That I've been divorced.
Reflecting backwards and looking optimistically forward is common this year. I've done it a lot. At all different times.
Right now I'm approaching a mile stone. I'm almost divorced for one full year.
WOW.
In the past few months there have been other milestones that have tugged at my heart. Moments where I thought back to different times. And I think about who, and how I was then compared to now.
I'm not in a place I thought I'd be right now- but I will say this much.
Right now, almost a year from my divorce I am really truly happy.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
It's been a while...
...Life is good.
And that is a huge understatement.
In the past few months I've kind of petered off the blog scene. There was lot happening. Not like wild crazy jet-setting.
But now this blog is about to change direction.
If you've read my earlier entries you know that this whole journey started off as a solo mission. I was living on my own, and out in the field dating.
Not the case anymore. Now I've got a super fun roomie and an incredible boyfriend.
I have (another) new job too. Isn't it funny how things like that happen. It's sort of like when a sitcom changes an actor/actress between seasons. It's not horrible but you aren't sure exactly whats going on.
The summer went by pretty fast. I turned 30, fell in love, figured out how to not suck at my job, stayed quit from smoking, lost/gained friends, and rearranged my room/priorities.
I've got lots to say moving forward and I promise that it won't be just about how cute my * "shmoopy boopy" boyfriend is, or how responsible I am (insert gagging noise here). While some things in my life have shifted, and changed, myself included....it's still pretty(mildly?) interesting.
* I would never seriously call my boyfriend my shmoopy boopy anything. What the fuck dude? I'm not an asshole.
Ok, so total non-sequitur.
Here are the top 10 way's to make somebody's day/ 10 altruistic things to do for fun
10) Pay the toll for the person behind you (this obviously only works when you're not using EZpass. So thats me and 6 other people I guess). If you do have EZpass, pay for the person in line behind you somewhere, like a cup of coffee, or a news stand.
9) Hold the door for somebody who wouldn't expect a door held for them. I'm barely 5'2", and not a big girl, but will hold the door for a construction worker just to see the bemused look on their face. Small acts of consideration are meaningful and easy to do.
8) If you see an expired parking meter- put a quarter in it. Nobody likes getting a ticket- so help prevent others from that fate. It's us against the meter maids!! (Obviously with so many muni-meters being put up, this too is becoming more difficult, but when you can, you should try :D)
7) Smile. Seriously, something so simple and free can change an entire day for somebody. I've been in Penn Station during rush hour and it looks like everyone is sucking on lemons. SO sad. And unfortunately a large majority of people look at me like I'm crazy when I offer a "hey there, we're all waiting for a train lets not look so sour" smile. It's worth it when you see the people who need a friendly face break into a grin and you know you've made a difference.
6) Over-tip. At Starbucks, at a diner, at Le Cirque. Just do it. Don't whip out the tip calculator app on your phone...don't fight with your dining companions on who pays what and if the server deserves 5-10% or the full 15%. The people (PEOPLE) who handle your food work really hard for their money. Just give them 25%. It feels good to know that you made somebody's night/day.
5)Surprising a friend with snail mail. It's always nice to get a letter in the mail that isn't a bill. ALSO, help keep the U.S. Postal service in business.
4) Let a mom with kids go in front of you at the supermarket. Even if she has a gazillion things. Don't make her wait behind you and longer than she has to with the chorus of " mommaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!! Can we pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaase get thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis?!!!" from her miscellaneous 3-7 year olds? Have a heart. One day you're going to be the one with the screaming kids begging for the 10 gallon drum of blue #40 and hydrogenated pokemon bones
3) Compliment. Loudly, Sincerely, and often. People love to be complimented. Those who say that they don't are lying or Amish. And try to go for something less obvious. Eyes? Too romantic (unless you're trying to woo the person you're complimenting...but on the subway the lady in the "I'm K-ray-Z for Kats" sweatshirt is better being complimented on kick ass vintage handbag, or not at all. (also, I don't know why a woman with that sweatshirt would pair it with a kick ass vintage handbag, but I've seen it and it happens. Also when I complimented her on the handbag I swear she purred. Fucking New York City Man....) But I digress...
2) Call your graandma/great aunt Lulu, mom- whomever. They want to hear from you. They love you. They worry about you. Are you cold? hungry? Who are you?! ...wait what? Just call them. Now.
1) Wipe down the equipment you use at the gym. Meticulously. While this might not be changing the world, or the lives of millions- the next person who hops on that elliptical/bike/ab-smasher- will be extremely thankful.
There you have it. More madness to come.
!S
And that is a huge understatement.
In the past few months I've kind of petered off the blog scene. There was lot happening. Not like wild crazy jet-setting.
But now this blog is about to change direction.
If you've read my earlier entries you know that this whole journey started off as a solo mission. I was living on my own, and out in the field dating.
Not the case anymore. Now I've got a super fun roomie and an incredible boyfriend.
I have (another) new job too. Isn't it funny how things like that happen. It's sort of like when a sitcom changes an actor/actress between seasons. It's not horrible but you aren't sure exactly whats going on.
The summer went by pretty fast. I turned 30, fell in love, figured out how to not suck at my job, stayed quit from smoking, lost/gained friends, and rearranged my room/priorities.
I've got lots to say moving forward and I promise that it won't be just about how cute my * "shmoopy boopy" boyfriend is, or how responsible I am (insert gagging noise here). While some things in my life have shifted, and changed, myself included....it's still pretty(mildly?) interesting.
* I would never seriously call my boyfriend my shmoopy boopy anything. What the fuck dude? I'm not an asshole.
Ok, so total non-sequitur.
Here are the top 10 way's to make somebody's day/ 10 altruistic things to do for fun
10) Pay the toll for the person behind you (this obviously only works when you're not using EZpass. So thats me and 6 other people I guess). If you do have EZpass, pay for the person in line behind you somewhere, like a cup of coffee, or a news stand.
9) Hold the door for somebody who wouldn't expect a door held for them. I'm barely 5'2", and not a big girl, but will hold the door for a construction worker just to see the bemused look on their face. Small acts of consideration are meaningful and easy to do.
8) If you see an expired parking meter- put a quarter in it. Nobody likes getting a ticket- so help prevent others from that fate. It's us against the meter maids!! (Obviously with so many muni-meters being put up, this too is becoming more difficult, but when you can, you should try :D)
7) Smile. Seriously, something so simple and free can change an entire day for somebody. I've been in Penn Station during rush hour and it looks like everyone is sucking on lemons. SO sad. And unfortunately a large majority of people look at me like I'm crazy when I offer a "hey there, we're all waiting for a train lets not look so sour" smile. It's worth it when you see the people who need a friendly face break into a grin and you know you've made a difference.
6) Over-tip. At Starbucks, at a diner, at Le Cirque. Just do it. Don't whip out the tip calculator app on your phone...don't fight with your dining companions on who pays what and if the server deserves 5-10% or the full 15%. The people (PEOPLE) who handle your food work really hard for their money. Just give them 25%. It feels good to know that you made somebody's night/day.
5)Surprising a friend with snail mail. It's always nice to get a letter in the mail that isn't a bill. ALSO, help keep the U.S. Postal service in business.
4) Let a mom with kids go in front of you at the supermarket. Even if she has a gazillion things. Don't make her wait behind you and longer than she has to with the chorus of " mommaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!! Can we pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaase get thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis?!!!" from her miscellaneous 3-7 year olds? Have a heart. One day you're going to be the one with the screaming kids begging for the 10 gallon drum of blue #40 and hydrogenated pokemon bones
3) Compliment. Loudly, Sincerely, and often. People love to be complimented. Those who say that they don't are lying or Amish. And try to go for something less obvious. Eyes? Too romantic (unless you're trying to woo the person you're complimenting...but on the subway the lady in the "I'm K-ray-Z for Kats" sweatshirt is better being complimented on kick ass vintage handbag, or not at all. (also, I don't know why a woman with that sweatshirt would pair it with a kick ass vintage handbag, but I've seen it and it happens. Also when I complimented her on the handbag I swear she purred. Fucking New York City Man....) But I digress...
2) Call your graandma/great aunt Lulu, mom- whomever. They want to hear from you. They love you. They worry about you. Are you cold? hungry? Who are you?! ...wait what? Just call them. Now.
1) Wipe down the equipment you use at the gym. Meticulously. While this might not be changing the world, or the lives of millions- the next person who hops on that elliptical/bike/ab-smasher- will be extremely thankful.
There you have it. More madness to come.
!S
I'm Not Gay With My Roommate.
Enough was enough.
This past Spring I decided that as much as I wanted to be "out there, on my own"- the level of stress in my life was getting to be just a bit ridiculous.
And I am perfectly fine not living on my own- I suppose having a roommate would be a fine way to learn how to be a better partner in so many ways for certain.
So while I didn't really want a roommate, I decided to let my bff/soul sister Melanie move into my apartment. She coincidentally needed to move out of her current situation so it did make sense. Plus we always had fun together. Why not?
Well- just some back ground info to consider:
Both Mel and I have both recently ended long-term serious relationships (a marriage and engagement respectively). Our instinct is to nurture and take care of our partners. Now since we are eerily similar on so many planes, it's very strange to most people to see us interact. Often it's presumed that we are a couple. While I happen to be VERY pro-Gay rights/marriage/etc, (seriously if I were more Pro-Gay I'd actually be a rainbow)- I am not gay with my roommate.
This assumption proves to be more amusing than anything else, but sometimes we hear the things that come out of our mouths, or watch the way we're behaving and stop to say "this is so gay". And not in the way 18 year old the mall say it referring to somebody's bad outfit or choice in meal from the food court.
We just take care of one another.
If one of us is hungry, we'll get the other food. If one of us is sad, we're there for one another.
So, no- I may not be living on my own, but very often in life we find ourselves stranded up shits creek without a paddle; why not have good company while you are?
This past Spring I decided that as much as I wanted to be "out there, on my own"- the level of stress in my life was getting to be just a bit ridiculous.
And I am perfectly fine not living on my own- I suppose having a roommate would be a fine way to learn how to be a better partner in so many ways for certain.
So while I didn't really want a roommate, I decided to let my bff/soul sister Melanie move into my apartment. She coincidentally needed to move out of her current situation so it did make sense. Plus we always had fun together. Why not?
Well- just some back ground info to consider:
Both Mel and I have both recently ended long-term serious relationships (a marriage and engagement respectively). Our instinct is to nurture and take care of our partners. Now since we are eerily similar on so many planes, it's very strange to most people to see us interact. Often it's presumed that we are a couple. While I happen to be VERY pro-Gay rights/marriage/etc, (seriously if I were more Pro-Gay I'd actually be a rainbow)- I am not gay with my roommate.
This assumption proves to be more amusing than anything else, but sometimes we hear the things that come out of our mouths, or watch the way we're behaving and stop to say "this is so gay". And not in the way 18 year old the mall say it referring to somebody's bad outfit or choice in meal from the food court.
We just take care of one another.
If one of us is hungry, we'll get the other food. If one of us is sad, we're there for one another.
So, no- I may not be living on my own, but very often in life we find ourselves stranded up shits creek without a paddle; why not have good company while you are?
Monday, July 18, 2011
Letting go.
Havelock Ellis
There are oh so many things that I have let go of recently. A partner, friends, and most recently...habits.
This particular habit is considered the dumbest, most unhealthy of all. But how I loved it so. And it completely clashed with the very essence of who I am. But it was a comfort. It was like an old friend. We'd been well versed with one another for over 15 years...off and on we'd spend time together. Through good times and bad this habit carried me. Like a a habitual crutch.
Smoking.
Ah, how despicably romantic our relationship was.
It began in High School . It created an opener for conversation like nothing else..."Hey, do you have another cigarette/light?". Instant friends. Then it was a time killer (not to mention a health killer too...). When bored, sit and smoke.
And in college? What better way to bond with other people in the quad than sit with your morning coffee, a pack of camel lights and a story about the night before?
There was something so 1940's pin-up/Parisian/bohemian chic about the whole smoking thing. How I loved having a cocktail/beer with a smoke while sitting outside at a cafe. Or while in NYC, before the bans- in a bar...
Eventually my now ex-husband inspired me to mostly, 99% quit. He was VERY bothered by my smoking. However, he never nagged me to stop. Usually if a person nagged it just made me smoke more...But because I cared so much for him, and was making many lifestyle changes anyway quitting was simple. No more buying cigarettes. They were unhealthy (which I was trying to become more healthy...), and they smell. But the key to this was allowing myself to smoke socially. I took it down a notch. A lot of notches actually.
And at this point I was really into working out. So it was better this way.
Flash forward to July 27th of 2010.
My entire world crumbled around me. I had everything I thought that I wanted smashed fell apart.
What a perfect time to be happily reunited with my friend tobacco. Oh boy...and since then I just languished between smoking heavily to socially.
And then I decided that the person that I want to be is not a smoker.
So I quit. It's been a few weeks more or less, with minimal (one) wavering moment...but I've been
able to let go and move on from smoking. It's not easy, or fun because sometimes things seem better with it. Like coffee. Or a really deep conversation. But I know all good things must often come to an end.
Good bye cigs. I sometimes miss you, but I'm glad you're gone. I'm ready to replace you with better things. MUCH better things.
Letting go is sometimes scary- but it's worth it to see what wonderful things come from it.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Motivated by... Fear?
Who wants to live in fear?
Certainly not I. What a completely miserable experience.
But don't most of us do things because we are afraid of what happens if we don't do them? Or on the converse side we don't do things because we're afraid of what will happen if we do?
Fear based living.
So many people seem to be afraid to embrace living based on joy, love and happiness.
There are some thing I do and have done BECAUSE I am afraid to do them.
Getting divorced in particular. This was the scariest thing I ever have done. The what-if from both angles scared me more though. What if I stayed married to a man who didn't love me, but the idea of me? What if I stayed and had a mediocre life, what if nobody ever loves me again and I don't get married and have a family? What if, what if, what if.
Well what if my aunt had balls? She'd be my uncle.
For a while now I have decided when rational and feasible- I want to confront my fears.
Getting the big D was the first fear I faced. I decided that the 'what if' I was in an unhappy marriage for the rest of my life fear was the one I needed to confront. SO I did. And things are all as they should be. I have no doubt that I will be loved again, and eventually one day have a family. But then there is the 'what if' that I occasionally have to tune out. I'm in an amazing place in my life and the fear of change is something that thankfully isn't a concern for me.
Then there are the little fears that I can manage in a much less life altering way. A huge example is my fear of spiders. They freak me out. However my mom would tell me, and this is good advice, the spider is much more afraid of me than I am of it. And it's not the spiders fault I'm afraid of it. SO I don't kill them. I get a cup, and a magazine...and take them outside. What they do then is their business.This helps me be less scared of them as well. So there is still fear, but I face it and accept it as a part of who I am.
Fear is not something that I want to embrace, but use as a motivator to learn, grow, and be less scared. Once you face something head on, and experience it, it's less scary.
Would that make my life fear motivated? Either way, I'm motivated to do things that are scary, but worth it. Be it by taking a life changing risk, or just risking the spider moving and my not knowing where it is in my home.
Certainly not I. What a completely miserable experience.
But don't most of us do things because we are afraid of what happens if we don't do them? Or on the converse side we don't do things because we're afraid of what will happen if we do?
Fear based living.
So many people seem to be afraid to embrace living based on joy, love and happiness.
There are some thing I do and have done BECAUSE I am afraid to do them.
Getting divorced in particular. This was the scariest thing I ever have done. The what-if from both angles scared me more though. What if I stayed married to a man who didn't love me, but the idea of me? What if I stayed and had a mediocre life, what if nobody ever loves me again and I don't get married and have a family? What if, what if, what if.
Well what if my aunt had balls? She'd be my uncle.
For a while now I have decided when rational and feasible- I want to confront my fears.
Getting the big D was the first fear I faced. I decided that the 'what if' I was in an unhappy marriage for the rest of my life fear was the one I needed to confront. SO I did. And things are all as they should be. I have no doubt that I will be loved again, and eventually one day have a family. But then there is the 'what if' that I occasionally have to tune out. I'm in an amazing place in my life and the fear of change is something that thankfully isn't a concern for me.
Then there are the little fears that I can manage in a much less life altering way. A huge example is my fear of spiders. They freak me out. However my mom would tell me, and this is good advice, the spider is much more afraid of me than I am of it. And it's not the spiders fault I'm afraid of it. SO I don't kill them. I get a cup, and a magazine...and take them outside. What they do then is their business.This helps me be less scared of them as well. So there is still fear, but I face it and accept it as a part of who I am.
Fear is not something that I want to embrace, but use as a motivator to learn, grow, and be less scared. Once you face something head on, and experience it, it's less scary.
Would that make my life fear motivated? Either way, I'm motivated to do things that are scary, but worth it. Be it by taking a life changing risk, or just risking the spider moving and my not knowing where it is in my home.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
An explaination. And a slightly redundant post towards the end. (Get over it.)
Quite often people make comments on how happy of a person I am.
But here's some fun information...It's because as I probably mentioned in a previous rambling online conversation with the internet...Happiness is a choice. Over the past few months/year, I've had a lot of stuff happen. Some not so good things.
A year ago I was pregnant. (With a baby- not emotion). It was one of the most wonderful moments of my life. I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. But that was not meant to be right then- and I had no control over that.
Oddly enough, another wonderful moment was getting a divorce and knowing in the very core of my being that it was ok. Bigger and better things were ahead of me. To have that kind of peace of mind is priceless. And both of those seemingly negative things- were really opportunities for me to move onto where I am meant to be.
So yes- I'm happy.
Happy for a lot of things.
I'm happy because I saw fireflies tonight. And had a lovely day with a good friend. I'm happy because every day I wake up there are millions of miracles surrounding me that could easily be taken for granted. I'm happy because I have an awesome job. I have an amazing group of friends whom I love with my whole heart. I'm happy because it's the season where you can eat dinner outside and as the sun sets enjoy the crisp cool breeze. I'm happy because I have kidneys that work. I am happy because of all the beautiful things I get to experience. I'm happy because I've made it to almost 30 with no major sicknesses or injuries. I'm happy because people like it when I'm around them. I'm happy because I am not allergic to any foods. I'm happy because I can draw and paint. I'm happy because I wake up every day. I'm happy because I can make people laugh. I'm happy because of the way my dog runs full speed into the wind with more joy than I can imagine. I'm happy because I can have ice cream for breakfast if I wanted. I'm happy because I grew out of my fat and awkward phase. I'm happy because I notice old people holding hands, and it makes me think about how great it'll be to be old and hold hands with the person I'm meant to be old with. I'm happy because I can cook like mofo, I'm happy because I am surrounded by GOOD people, and lots and lots of beauty.
When I do have a rare moment where I'm pissed off, or things aren't going my way- I remember all this and and get over it.
For those who can't handle my happy- that's really not my problem is it?
Whats the point of this? Basically all you can do is your best. You can't control other people, or situations. Just yourself. My prerogative is to make others happy- and in the process I become happier.
But here's some fun information...It's because as I probably mentioned in a previous rambling online conversation with the internet...Happiness is a choice. Over the past few months/year, I've had a lot of stuff happen. Some not so good things.
A year ago I was pregnant. (With a baby- not emotion). It was one of the most wonderful moments of my life. I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. But that was not meant to be right then- and I had no control over that.
Oddly enough, another wonderful moment was getting a divorce and knowing in the very core of my being that it was ok. Bigger and better things were ahead of me. To have that kind of peace of mind is priceless. And both of those seemingly negative things- were really opportunities for me to move onto where I am meant to be.
So yes- I'm happy.
Happy for a lot of things.
I'm happy because I saw fireflies tonight. And had a lovely day with a good friend. I'm happy because every day I wake up there are millions of miracles surrounding me that could easily be taken for granted. I'm happy because I have an awesome job. I have an amazing group of friends whom I love with my whole heart. I'm happy because it's the season where you can eat dinner outside and as the sun sets enjoy the crisp cool breeze. I'm happy because I have kidneys that work. I am happy because of all the beautiful things I get to experience. I'm happy because I've made it to almost 30 with no major sicknesses or injuries. I'm happy because people like it when I'm around them. I'm happy because I am not allergic to any foods. I'm happy because I can draw and paint. I'm happy because I wake up every day. I'm happy because I can make people laugh. I'm happy because of the way my dog runs full speed into the wind with more joy than I can imagine. I'm happy because I can have ice cream for breakfast if I wanted. I'm happy because I grew out of my fat and awkward phase. I'm happy because I notice old people holding hands, and it makes me think about how great it'll be to be old and hold hands with the person I'm meant to be old with. I'm happy because I can cook like mofo, I'm happy because I am surrounded by GOOD people, and lots and lots of beauty.
When I do have a rare moment where I'm pissed off, or things aren't going my way- I remember all this and and get over it.
For those who can't handle my happy- that's really not my problem is it?
Whats the point of this? Basically all you can do is your best. You can't control other people, or situations. Just yourself. My prerogative is to make others happy- and in the process I become happier.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Happy Independence Day!
Whats my most important post-divorce revelation?
That I am this wonderfully empowered, INDEPENDENT woman. WOO!
Right?
Kind of.
So there are some things about me, and many people...that we don't like to admit. In this case its that we need other people (as a species...for attention, affection etc).
Of course I can pay my own bills. And of course I can be alone. I go to eat alone, to the movies, to the bathroom (referring to my not needing to go in a group to the ladies room with other ladies to 'powder my nose'). I'm quite independent. More-so than ever before.
But then there are some shifts that happened in my life recently...
One of the biggest changes is that I got a roommate.
This is the first time I've ever had a legit roomie! It's definitely been a learning experience. We've fought, shared problems, shared joys, and lastly but helpfully- bills. It's nice knowing that somebody is home most of the time. And while it's technically my apartment on paper- in practice it's nice sharing a space with somebody who is so complementary to my life/lifestyle and equally as nice having it be OUR apartment. And it's a better space with both of our contributions. Plus she's pretty much my sister. I love her dearly and am happy that we are (I don't care how gay this sounds- and it definitely sounds gay) sharing our lives right now. Things will change one day but I'll be happy we had this time together.
Also- something I won't elaborate on because it's in the embryonic stages-but is a big step for me since I didn't expect myself to meet a man who makes me smile and laugh effortlessly despite being 100 miles away.
Yeah, so I, um-uh...I have a boyfriend (who may or not be reading this). No details b/c I'm not ready to share too much about that yet believe it or not...
But for the record, he's pretty fucking great. And being as I don't see him a lot (yes, it's medium distance- because he isn't too far away...Philadelphia) it allows me (and him)- the space to still have my own life and identity still. Though I'm just happy that I get to get to know him. He is probably the funniest person I know.
It did happen suddenly- And I partly feel like I was too aggressive. But he doesn't seem to mind, and lord knows I can't help but be myself...It's nice to know there's a fella who's a 'fan' of mine.
And here we are halfway to the end of this year. SO much has gone on. I'm getting to a really happy place- my demons have been addressed, my wounds have healed, and I've gained the kind of perspective on life that has garnered me new understanding of myself.
... And on the cusp of 30, I've decided that my 20's need to be sent off with style. I wanted to find an activity that truly captures the essence of and celebrates the end of a really intense decade.
I'm going to take a trapeze class. It's simple, fun, and is just symbolic enough to make me feel a sense of closure. I've invited people to join me, but I'm perfectly content doing this- like all the important things you do in life- Independently.
That I am this wonderfully empowered, INDEPENDENT woman. WOO!
Right?
Kind of.
So there are some things about me, and many people...that we don't like to admit. In this case its that we need other people (as a species...for attention, affection etc).
Of course I can pay my own bills. And of course I can be alone. I go to eat alone, to the movies, to the bathroom (referring to my not needing to go in a group to the ladies room with other ladies to 'powder my nose'). I'm quite independent. More-so than ever before.
But then there are some shifts that happened in my life recently...
One of the biggest changes is that I got a roommate.
This is the first time I've ever had a legit roomie! It's definitely been a learning experience. We've fought, shared problems, shared joys, and lastly but helpfully- bills. It's nice knowing that somebody is home most of the time. And while it's technically my apartment on paper- in practice it's nice sharing a space with somebody who is so complementary to my life/lifestyle and equally as nice having it be OUR apartment. And it's a better space with both of our contributions. Plus she's pretty much my sister. I love her dearly and am happy that we are (I don't care how gay this sounds- and it definitely sounds gay) sharing our lives right now. Things will change one day but I'll be happy we had this time together.
Also- something I won't elaborate on because it's in the embryonic stages-but is a big step for me since I didn't expect myself to meet a man who makes me smile and laugh effortlessly despite being 100 miles away.
Yeah, so I, um-uh...I have a boyfriend (who may or not be reading this). No details b/c I'm not ready to share too much about that yet believe it or not...
But for the record, he's pretty fucking great. And being as I don't see him a lot (yes, it's medium distance- because he isn't too far away...Philadelphia) it allows me (and him)- the space to still have my own life and identity still. Though I'm just happy that I get to get to know him. He is probably the funniest person I know.
It did happen suddenly- And I partly feel like I was too aggressive. But he doesn't seem to mind, and lord knows I can't help but be myself...It's nice to know there's a fella who's a 'fan' of mine.
And here we are halfway to the end of this year. SO much has gone on. I'm getting to a really happy place- my demons have been addressed, my wounds have healed, and I've gained the kind of perspective on life that has garnered me new understanding of myself.
... And on the cusp of 30, I've decided that my 20's need to be sent off with style. I wanted to find an activity that truly captures the essence of and celebrates the end of a really intense decade.
I'm going to take a trapeze class. It's simple, fun, and is just symbolic enough to make me feel a sense of closure. I've invited people to join me, but I'm perfectly content doing this- like all the important things you do in life- Independently.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
You know what I want to do?
I want to get up reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllly early in the morning, throw on some pants, grab a morning beverage, pump my music up and just drive to nowhere in particular and just keep going until I get there.
I want to do that with anyone who loves road trips and won't complain and ask if we're there yet. Because we won't know where 'there' is per say. Just go in the directions of the mountain or the beach...Or the worlds largest Matzoh ball. Or the chopstick festival. Or wherever.
I want to go camping for 2 days. Not one because thats not long enough- and not three because it's too long.
I would like to make out, in the rain, in the middle of the day, getting completely drenched and not caring.
It'd be nice to win something. Something extraordinary like an all expenses paid trip to someplace warm and tropical.
One day I want to make a huge difference in peoples lives. In a way where they send me holiday cards and invite me to their weddings.
I'd like to be a mother. The kind of mother that takes their kids out of school one or two times a year for an adventure day. And teaches them how to climb a tree, build a couch fort and lets them draw on the walls (well, one designated wall in their own space). The kind of mom they aren't bothered or embarrassed by.
Eventually, I'd like to own my own wellness center. The kind of place that helps people find balance in their own lives- Holistically. Be it via nutrition, exercise or developing some kind of skill...I want to have the kind of place that people can go to and be happy.
I'd like to travel the world. I don't need a home, or fancy things...I DO need to experience other countries, and cultures. I want to eat up the world and take pictures, and bring home tiny memories...I'd like to do this with somebody who can appreciate that.
I'd like to build a tree house.
I'd like to have a garden (filled with herbs, and vegetables, and fruit, and flowers). I'd also like to keep bees. I'd make sure that they had a flower filled garden that they could buzz around in for months on end.
I'd have honey to use for ages, and give some to my neighbors, friends and family just like the few people I know who have bee keepers in their families do for me.
I'd like to constantly be getting better at the things I'm not good at. While it's a running joke that I am terrible at Math, one day I'd like to be quite good at it.
When I'm an old lady, Id like to have beautiful white hair. I'd keep it long and be one of those sexy silver foxes. I want to age gracefully. No botox, or holding on to my youth like a foolish hag. It's so embarassing when you see women dress entirely too young for their age. Keep in mind I won't go meekly into my golden years...I'm going to find the balance between hip and age appropriate.
I want to be a better person. I'd like to do more volunteer work. And I'd like to inspire others to do the same. I want to organize fundraisers. And participate in charity events. I'd like my life to make a difference to others.
And I never want to live a fear based life. I always want to jump off the cliffs, and take the risks and face the challenges I'm presented with. Because otherwise whats the point?
I want to learn how to work with metal so I can weld huge lawn sculptures out of recycled scrap metal.
Eventually I'd like to write a book.
That is what I want to do.
I want to do that with anyone who loves road trips and won't complain and ask if we're there yet. Because we won't know where 'there' is per say. Just go in the directions of the mountain or the beach...Or the worlds largest Matzoh ball. Or the chopstick festival. Or wherever.
I want to go camping for 2 days. Not one because thats not long enough- and not three because it's too long.
I would like to make out, in the rain, in the middle of the day, getting completely drenched and not caring.
It'd be nice to win something. Something extraordinary like an all expenses paid trip to someplace warm and tropical.
One day I want to make a huge difference in peoples lives. In a way where they send me holiday cards and invite me to their weddings.
I'd like to be a mother. The kind of mother that takes their kids out of school one or two times a year for an adventure day. And teaches them how to climb a tree, build a couch fort and lets them draw on the walls (well, one designated wall in their own space). The kind of mom they aren't bothered or embarrassed by.
Eventually, I'd like to own my own wellness center. The kind of place that helps people find balance in their own lives- Holistically. Be it via nutrition, exercise or developing some kind of skill...I want to have the kind of place that people can go to and be happy.
I'd like to travel the world. I don't need a home, or fancy things...I DO need to experience other countries, and cultures. I want to eat up the world and take pictures, and bring home tiny memories...I'd like to do this with somebody who can appreciate that.
I'd like to build a tree house.
I'd like to have a garden (filled with herbs, and vegetables, and fruit, and flowers). I'd also like to keep bees. I'd make sure that they had a flower filled garden that they could buzz around in for months on end.
I'd have honey to use for ages, and give some to my neighbors, friends and family just like the few people I know who have bee keepers in their families do for me.
I'd like to constantly be getting better at the things I'm not good at. While it's a running joke that I am terrible at Math, one day I'd like to be quite good at it.
When I'm an old lady, Id like to have beautiful white hair. I'd keep it long and be one of those sexy silver foxes. I want to age gracefully. No botox, or holding on to my youth like a foolish hag. It's so embarassing when you see women dress entirely too young for their age. Keep in mind I won't go meekly into my golden years...I'm going to find the balance between hip and age appropriate.
I want to be a better person. I'd like to do more volunteer work. And I'd like to inspire others to do the same. I want to organize fundraisers. And participate in charity events. I'd like my life to make a difference to others.
And I never want to live a fear based life. I always want to jump off the cliffs, and take the risks and face the challenges I'm presented with. Because otherwise whats the point?
I want to learn how to work with metal so I can weld huge lawn sculptures out of recycled scrap metal.
Eventually I'd like to write a book.
That is what I want to do.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
The path less taken...
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
This is one of my most favorite quotes. One of the things that is important to me regarding myself and others is being an individual. Living the life that best represents you; that you will be proud to look back on- the life that you would want your children to emulate. Creating your legacy and to sum it all up in a neat little package- living your truth. So many people foster these archaic delusions that they are supposed to be doing certain things- be it go to school and be something that your family/parents expect you to. Or get married young, have babies and "live the dream". For many this is self imposed, while for others it's societal or family pressure to get you to conform or meet others expectations.
Maybe I'm lucky to have parents who encouraged me to be myself, but the thought of doing something because a) others are doing it b) it's expected c) it's easy- is not reason enough. It never has been. Peer pressure was never an issue. I never thought anyone was cool enough to follow if I didn't MYSELF think that what they were doing was what I wanted to do. My grandma said I was born knowing who I was- that probably helped a lot.
SO who am I?
I'm the girl who:
-at the stop light who's window is open, and music is up dancing and singing- who then turns and smiles while you watch her. who blows kisses at the angry drivers who flip her off.
-doesn't care what they're wearing on the streets of Paris/Milan/London...because odds are it won't fit my short curvy body. and is completely happy about it. who wants to wear what everyone else is?
-no matter how much trouble it would be, would go out of her way to make your day/bed/tummy and life/ full asking nothing in return but your love/grattitude.
-will almost always be down for karaoke.
-wants to travel the world and devour it like a summer-ripe, juice dripping down your arm nectarine.
-believes that kindness/a hug/a snack/a nap is the answer to all of lifes problems.
-believes in karma/wishes/magic/love.
-would have no problem: describing the 'feeling' a color has/how to make dinner from almost nothing/sleeping under the stars/changing a tire/explaining a safety bunt <thanks Greg>/direct you which way is North/drive to where you are in the middle of the night b/c you need me/ but couldn't help you with anything mathematical.
-worked really hard to be open about growing up a Messianic Jew. And will verbally punch you in the face if you tell me it means I'm not really Jewish.
-shamelessly wears her heart on her sleeve (remember a few blog entries ago? It's a reoccurring theme)
-is learning to find comfort in the silence that used to compel me to talk incessantly.
-will stand up for what is right even if it's not cool.
-managed to find peace from within during the most chaotic times of her life.
-will always be herself even if it means people won't like her as much.
-will defend her friends to the end. It takes a lot to make me end a friendship. I've only done it twice....I'm still friends with my ex- so that says a lot. Those people were toxic and their misery makes me feel terribly sad for them and their friends and loved ones. (I mean that in a genuine way and not in a condescending way even though it seems that way)
-can open an avocado in her sleep, cuts a mango in a way that makes it super easy to eat, and always cooks with love.
-learns every day that my flaws are ok because somebody will find them beautiful and that it's ok to be vulnerable. the right people won't exploit it.
-is never jealous of her friends because I'm happy when good things happen to the people I love.
-will never cut down another person to make myself feel better.
I feel like that was a sales pitch- but sometimes I like to take inventory of myself, who I am as a reminder that it's ok to be imperfect and also just as ok to like who you are. Even if others see it as conceited- and not confident.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
This is one of my most favorite quotes. One of the things that is important to me regarding myself and others is being an individual. Living the life that best represents you; that you will be proud to look back on- the life that you would want your children to emulate. Creating your legacy and to sum it all up in a neat little package- living your truth. So many people foster these archaic delusions that they are supposed to be doing certain things- be it go to school and be something that your family/parents expect you to. Or get married young, have babies and "live the dream". For many this is self imposed, while for others it's societal or family pressure to get you to conform or meet others expectations.
Maybe I'm lucky to have parents who encouraged me to be myself, but the thought of doing something because a) others are doing it b) it's expected c) it's easy- is not reason enough. It never has been. Peer pressure was never an issue. I never thought anyone was cool enough to follow if I didn't MYSELF think that what they were doing was what I wanted to do. My grandma said I was born knowing who I was- that probably helped a lot.
SO who am I?
I'm the girl who:
-at the stop light who's window is open, and music is up dancing and singing- who then turns and smiles while you watch her. who blows kisses at the angry drivers who flip her off.
-doesn't care what they're wearing on the streets of Paris/Milan/London...because odds are it won't fit my short curvy body. and is completely happy about it. who wants to wear what everyone else is?
-no matter how much trouble it would be, would go out of her way to make your day/bed/tummy and life/ full asking nothing in return but your love/grattitude.
-will almost always be down for karaoke.
-wants to travel the world and devour it like a summer-ripe, juice dripping down your arm nectarine.
-believes that kindness/a hug/a snack/a nap is the answer to all of lifes problems.
-believes in karma/wishes/magic/love.
-would have no problem: describing the 'feeling' a color has/how to make dinner from almost nothing/sleeping under the stars/changing a tire/explaining a safety bunt <thanks Greg>/direct you which way is North/drive to where you are in the middle of the night b/c you need me/ but couldn't help you with anything mathematical.
-worked really hard to be open about growing up a Messianic Jew. And will verbally punch you in the face if you tell me it means I'm not really Jewish.
-shamelessly wears her heart on her sleeve (remember a few blog entries ago? It's a reoccurring theme)
-is learning to find comfort in the silence that used to compel me to talk incessantly.
-will stand up for what is right even if it's not cool.
-managed to find peace from within during the most chaotic times of her life.
-will always be herself even if it means people won't like her as much.
-will defend her friends to the end. It takes a lot to make me end a friendship. I've only done it twice....I'm still friends with my ex- so that says a lot. Those people were toxic and their misery makes me feel terribly sad for them and their friends and loved ones. (I mean that in a genuine way and not in a condescending way even though it seems that way)
-can open an avocado in her sleep, cuts a mango in a way that makes it super easy to eat, and always cooks with love.
-learns every day that my flaws are ok because somebody will find them beautiful and that it's ok to be vulnerable. the right people won't exploit it.
-is never jealous of her friends because I'm happy when good things happen to the people I love.
-will never cut down another person to make myself feel better.
I feel like that was a sales pitch- but sometimes I like to take inventory of myself, who I am as a reminder that it's ok to be imperfect and also just as ok to like who you are. Even if others see it as conceited- and not confident.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Thankful .
My best friend of 20 years had a baby yesterday. A healthy beautiful little girl. And I could not be happier. I love this little peanut of a girl so much!
I am thankful that a girl who is for lack of a better word is my sister is healthy and well after the experience, and that her husband was a wonderful coach and support for her.
I am thankful for my health. Every morning I wake up, and can move my little toes- and feel the breeze on my face...I have more miracles happening at one time than I could possibly count.
My family...while not as whole as I'd like, is so full of love and compassion. I love them so much it's scary. My cousins are all interesting, hugehearted people. My aunts and uncles all have stories that captivate and teach me about life. I have all four of my grandparents. They are all in relatively good health...I am so thankful for that too.
I live in a beautiful apartment, I have amazing friends, and a fabulous job. I am so humbled by how wonderful my life is.
Thank you thank you thank you....I am so grateful.
I am thankful that a girl who is for lack of a better word is my sister is healthy and well after the experience, and that her husband was a wonderful coach and support for her.
I am thankful for my health. Every morning I wake up, and can move my little toes- and feel the breeze on my face...I have more miracles happening at one time than I could possibly count.
My family...while not as whole as I'd like, is so full of love and compassion. I love them so much it's scary. My cousins are all interesting, hugehearted people. My aunts and uncles all have stories that captivate and teach me about life. I have all four of my grandparents. They are all in relatively good health...I am so thankful for that too.
I live in a beautiful apartment, I have amazing friends, and a fabulous job. I am so humbled by how wonderful my life is.
Thank you thank you thank you....I am so grateful.
Friday, June 10, 2011
In Defense of Men....Yeah, you read that correctly.
You know what I'm sick of?
I'm sick of reverse misogyny. Or female chauvinism. The seemingly socially acceptable man bashing that happens whenever a group of unenlightened and even some self-proclaimed enlightened women gather.
We (women) as a gender quite often complain how we are lumped together as these shoe/shopping obsessed, chick-flick watching, overly emotional, relationship focused hens clucking away about so-and-so and what she wore/who she's dating/screwing/or unfortunately...how men suck and why. Uh...so not ok.
Perhaps it's the succumbing to stereotypes that I find to be so completely deplorable, or maybe it's my really strong respect for so many great, kind men...but I can't just be one of those women. I refuse to assume all men are scum, and they all do such-and such so automatically they suck.
Now don't assume I'm naive, or looking at an entire gender through rose-colored glasses. I have enough male friends, and experiences with men to know that they operate a certain way- and have certain proclivities. THAT being said, I don't believe that all men are dogs. Or scum. Or jerks.
Yes, I'm saying this after all the ridiculous dates, callous and seemingly heartless behavior and confused conversations where 'I just don't get it'....regarding and involving men.
Why? Because I'm not a jerk. Why would I write off an entire gender? What makes it ok to make mean, hurt-based comments about all men when it is an individual that behaved like a dick-bag. Is dick-bag derogatory? That's what I mean...It's just important to be nice to everyone regardless of their genitals. Also, one day I plan on marrying one again. I'm 100% sure he won't be a jerk, or scum, or deserving of man-bashing. And one day, I plan on having that dudes kids. And one or more of those kids could be a dude. And then what? The way that men have to be good role models for their daughters, I think mothers have just as much of a role in how their sons relate later on in life. Seriously. Don't be an asshole to men. They don't deserve it. Unless they do. But thats because they're a jerk...not because they're a male.
Seriously. I think part of being an enlightened person is being nice, and treating all people with kindness, love and respect regardless of their having two X chromosomes or a Y thrown in.
And that has been brought to you by a woman(former femi-nazi) who loves and cares for her dad, grandpas, great grandfather (who she happened to have been quite close to), brother, and all the future men in her life.
I'm sick of reverse misogyny. Or female chauvinism. The seemingly socially acceptable man bashing that happens whenever a group of unenlightened and even some self-proclaimed enlightened women gather.
We (women) as a gender quite often complain how we are lumped together as these shoe/shopping obsessed, chick-flick watching, overly emotional, relationship focused hens clucking away about so-and-so and what she wore/who she's dating/screwing/or unfortunately...how men suck and why. Uh...so not ok.
Perhaps it's the succumbing to stereotypes that I find to be so completely deplorable, or maybe it's my really strong respect for so many great, kind men...but I can't just be one of those women. I refuse to assume all men are scum, and they all do such-and such so automatically they suck.
Now don't assume I'm naive, or looking at an entire gender through rose-colored glasses. I have enough male friends, and experiences with men to know that they operate a certain way- and have certain proclivities. THAT being said, I don't believe that all men are dogs. Or scum. Or jerks.
Yes, I'm saying this after all the ridiculous dates, callous and seemingly heartless behavior and confused conversations where 'I just don't get it'....regarding and involving men.
Why? Because I'm not a jerk. Why would I write off an entire gender? What makes it ok to make mean, hurt-based comments about all men when it is an individual that behaved like a dick-bag. Is dick-bag derogatory? That's what I mean...It's just important to be nice to everyone regardless of their genitals. Also, one day I plan on marrying one again. I'm 100% sure he won't be a jerk, or scum, or deserving of man-bashing. And one day, I plan on having that dudes kids. And one or more of those kids could be a dude. And then what? The way that men have to be good role models for their daughters, I think mothers have just as much of a role in how their sons relate later on in life. Seriously. Don't be an asshole to men. They don't deserve it. Unless they do. But thats because they're a jerk...not because they're a male.
Seriously. I think part of being an enlightened person is being nice, and treating all people with kindness, love and respect regardless of their having two X chromosomes or a Y thrown in.
And that has been brought to you by a woman(former femi-nazi) who loves and cares for her dad, grandpas, great grandfather (who she happened to have been quite close to), brother, and all the future men in her life.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
My Lobster...
Today while talking to a friend on the way to an appointment- while in traffic on the Long Island Expressway, I recalled one of my many epiphanies. Would that be considered a re-piphany?
The relationship you have with yourself dictates the relationship others will have with you.
For example, lets say you don't like yourself very much. Most people don't willingly acknowledge this, let alone share this with others conscientiously- but this determines how you allow others to treat you. If you minimize your accomplishments- so will everyone else. If you don't know your worth- neither will anyone else. If you disrespect yourself, so will everyone else. Knowing your value as a human being and loving yourself (not masturbating, LOVING the person you are as a whole despite the inevitable flaws...) allows others to see your worth and love you for who you are.
But I digress...
So I realized that because I know my worth and I value myself as a whole...I need to stop worrying about the men who traipse in and don't meet my expectations. Lately it's been preeeettttty disappointing. None of these guys are bad people...in fact, I'm happy that I met each one of them. Everyone you meet has some kind of impact on your life. These guys just remind me of how great the right guy is going to be.
But, that being said- I want to say that my hiatus is back ON until further notice. The hiatus means, my relationship with myself is going to be front and center until a worthy candidate enters the picture.
Sigh...sometimes I wonder how I'll ever find my lobster (well, the Ross to my Rachael),the Jim to my Pam,the Marshall to my Lily.
(Don't judge me. TV couples aren't realistic but seriously- those are enviable dynamics no?)
But the great things is, one day I know I will.
The relationship you have with yourself dictates the relationship others will have with you.
For example, lets say you don't like yourself very much. Most people don't willingly acknowledge this, let alone share this with others conscientiously- but this determines how you allow others to treat you. If you minimize your accomplishments- so will everyone else. If you don't know your worth- neither will anyone else. If you disrespect yourself, so will everyone else. Knowing your value as a human being and loving yourself (not masturbating, LOVING the person you are as a whole despite the inevitable flaws...) allows others to see your worth and love you for who you are.
But I digress...
So I realized that because I know my worth and I value myself as a whole...I need to stop worrying about the men who traipse in and don't meet my expectations. Lately it's been preeeettttty disappointing. None of these guys are bad people...in fact, I'm happy that I met each one of them. Everyone you meet has some kind of impact on your life. These guys just remind me of how great the right guy is going to be.
But, that being said- I want to say that my hiatus is back ON until further notice. The hiatus means, my relationship with myself is going to be front and center until a worthy candidate enters the picture.
Sigh...sometimes I wonder how I'll ever find my lobster (well, the Ross to my Rachael),the Jim to my Pam,the Marshall to my Lily.
(Don't judge me. TV couples aren't realistic but seriously- those are enviable dynamics no?)
But the great things is, one day I know I will.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Happiness is...
According to the Beatles, it's a warm gun. According to Charles Shultz, it's a warm puppy.
To me happiness is something a bit more existential. Happiness is internal.
There are days when I am sublimely happy and absolutely nothing is going right. I had a week once where I had fallen behind on work, I was fighting non-stop with my exhub, I was lazy and not being active- But I had this bizarre sense of peace and happiness that came from within.
In contrast, I've had weeks that were stellar by most peoples standards, I was killin' it at work, and down 5lbs...but something felt off.
Isn't it amazing how you can really only find happiness when you are at peace with yourself?
Just a point to ponder.
To me happiness is something a bit more existential. Happiness is internal.
There are days when I am sublimely happy and absolutely nothing is going right. I had a week once where I had fallen behind on work, I was fighting non-stop with my exhub, I was lazy and not being active- But I had this bizarre sense of peace and happiness that came from within.
In contrast, I've had weeks that were stellar by most peoples standards, I was killin' it at work, and down 5lbs...but something felt off.
Isn't it amazing how you can really only find happiness when you are at peace with yourself?
Just a point to ponder.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Oh, I almost forgot...
Picture it. Valentines Day. 2011.
I hadn't been without a Valentine in almost a decade.
The day went by just fine. I didn't make a big deal about it. In general I don't. It's fun, but not the Superbowl for hopeless romantics.
But then around 6pm some flowers were delivered. I was so excited, and so pleasantly surprised that somebody thought of me.
I opened the box, and looked at the card. It read something like this:
" Dear Judy, Blah blah blah....Love love blah."
Um, my name isn't Judy.
Crap- I opened somebody elses flowers.
How terrible. Not just for me, but for the recipient.
It's so random that I thought to share that- But there you go.
I hadn't been without a Valentine in almost a decade.
The day went by just fine. I didn't make a big deal about it. In general I don't. It's fun, but not the Superbowl for hopeless romantics.
But then around 6pm some flowers were delivered. I was so excited, and so pleasantly surprised that somebody thought of me.
I opened the box, and looked at the card. It read something like this:
" Dear Judy, Blah blah blah....Love love blah."
Um, my name isn't Judy.
Crap- I opened somebody elses flowers.
How terrible. Not just for me, but for the recipient.
It's so random that I thought to share that- But there you go.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Stop it! You're doing it wrong!
It's come to my attention that I suck at dating.
Not in the sense where I tell a guy I'm on a date with that he smells like a fishmonger in August, or I show up at the wrong place and don't call them, or even worse- can't get a date to begin with. Thats actually not difficult at all (though some of my friends might question the guys I go out with).
For the most part and from my understanding I'm actually a lovely date. I dress according to the location and time of the date (because if you're having a picnic at the park, no matter how chic you think you are- heels and a skirt are not conducive to walking through grass and eating on the floor). For the most part I am charming, and witty. And I almost always have fun! So how do I suck at dating then?
I suck at dating because of the game thats involved.
How would a guy know if you like him on a date? Well I usually tell them. (D'oh!)
MISTAKE NUMBER ONE! Apparently most guys don't like it if they know you like them.
It's all part of the chase.
Also, post date- I'll call. Or text. Or want to talk to the guy (if I like him). I'm not stalking b/c I am too busy to think about you all the time, or create a shrine, or write poetry about your curly hair...etc. I just like to share ideas and thoughts with a person (if I like him) so they can get to know me better, and I them.
MISTAKE NUMBER TWO!! Apparently most guys don't want you to like them, share with them or contact them.
It's all part of the chase.
Why are men obsessed with the chase? What is it about the Y chromosome that makes men these avid hunters? Even the ones opposed to guns and weaponry?
I want to not being doing it wrong anymore though. Dates are a lot of fun- even the baddish ones. But do I play the game back? Do I need to step down as an 'Alpha' and let myself be chased? How could a girl like me(short, curvy and the face of Betty Boop) have such a masculine energy when it comes to dating? Why the effin'eff am I so aggressive? I know men don't always like this, but I can't help it. If I see something I want, it's very difficult for me to sit still and be passive. My hearts on my sleeve to a fault I suppose.
For the most part I don't think that I'm doing anything wrong WRONG...But is it such a risk being yourself all the time? I believe it's my only option. I guess I'm stuck at an impasse because I refuse to succumb to the nonsense. I refuse to be anything but myself.
Well, maybe I won't call or text as much in the future...but thats more as an act of temperance- but I'm not playing. I'm over games. OVER IT.
Even if that means I'm dating wrong. There's bound be a fella out there that doesn't mind a girl whose heart is on her sleeve right?
Not in the sense where I tell a guy I'm on a date with that he smells like a fishmonger in August, or I show up at the wrong place and don't call them, or even worse- can't get a date to begin with. Thats actually not difficult at all (though some of my friends might question the guys I go out with).
For the most part and from my understanding I'm actually a lovely date. I dress according to the location and time of the date (because if you're having a picnic at the park, no matter how chic you think you are- heels and a skirt are not conducive to walking through grass and eating on the floor). For the most part I am charming, and witty. And I almost always have fun! So how do I suck at dating then?
I suck at dating because of the game thats involved.
How would a guy know if you like him on a date? Well I usually tell them. (D'oh!)
MISTAKE NUMBER ONE! Apparently most guys don't like it if they know you like them.
It's all part of the chase.
Also, post date- I'll call. Or text. Or want to talk to the guy (if I like him). I'm not stalking b/c I am too busy to think about you all the time, or create a shrine, or write poetry about your curly hair...etc. I just like to share ideas and thoughts with a person (if I like him) so they can get to know me better, and I them.
MISTAKE NUMBER TWO!! Apparently most guys don't want you to like them, share with them or contact them.
It's all part of the chase.
Why are men obsessed with the chase? What is it about the Y chromosome that makes men these avid hunters? Even the ones opposed to guns and weaponry?
I want to not being doing it wrong anymore though. Dates are a lot of fun- even the baddish ones. But do I play the game back? Do I need to step down as an 'Alpha' and let myself be chased? How could a girl like me(short, curvy and the face of Betty Boop) have such a masculine energy when it comes to dating? Why the effin'eff am I so aggressive? I know men don't always like this, but I can't help it. If I see something I want, it's very difficult for me to sit still and be passive. My hearts on my sleeve to a fault I suppose.
For the most part I don't think that I'm doing anything wrong WRONG...But is it such a risk being yourself all the time? I believe it's my only option. I guess I'm stuck at an impasse because I refuse to succumb to the nonsense. I refuse to be anything but myself.
Well, maybe I won't call or text as much in the future...but thats more as an act of temperance- but I'm not playing. I'm over games. OVER IT.
Even if that means I'm dating wrong. There's bound be a fella out there that doesn't mind a girl whose heart is on her sleeve right?
Friday, April 15, 2011
I don't miss...
...A lot.
I realized that my last entry, written only a mere few hours ago paints a picture of me longing for a past that I willingly walked away from.
Seriously...I don't miss SO much about that man.
The fighting, the feeling misunderstood ALL THE TIME, having to make compromises on things that are important to me (and me asking him to do the same, which made me feel terrible also...). Never going anywhere or doing anything exciting. The feeling that we were always waiting for something to go wrong, and by we I mean him.
I think that the distance between us has allowed us to grow. He seems to be like a different guy. I know I'm a different girl, already 5 months divorced and on my own...I guess we're all different people every day. Maybe I just like who he's grown into a bit more. Or maybe I'm just still the same person who will always look for the good in others despite the glaringly terrible qualities that I really shouldn't so easily dismiss.
I realized that my last entry, written only a mere few hours ago paints a picture of me longing for a past that I willingly walked away from.
Seriously...I don't miss SO much about that man.
The fighting, the feeling misunderstood ALL THE TIME, having to make compromises on things that are important to me (and me asking him to do the same, which made me feel terrible also...). Never going anywhere or doing anything exciting. The feeling that we were always waiting for something to go wrong, and by we I mean him.
I think that the distance between us has allowed us to grow. He seems to be like a different guy. I know I'm a different girl, already 5 months divorced and on my own...I guess we're all different people every day. Maybe I just like who he's grown into a bit more. Or maybe I'm just still the same person who will always look for the good in others despite the glaringly terrible qualities that I really shouldn't so easily dismiss.
I miss...
...Being loved.
(right click here and open in a new window to play song)
Being known. Understood. Part of a team. Having a permanent Friday night/Saturday night/Sunday Brunch date.
And I miss my ex-husband.
A lot.
This is what happens when you've spent 3 months away from the person whom you lived with for 7 years. And loved for longer (cheeeeeeseeeeeeesy!!!)
Really it might just be that I miss how he and I used to be. Obviously if we were all those things towards the end we'd still be together. I miss going for breakfast drives on Sunday<we'd grab coffee, get breakfast and drive a bit...chat, It was nice... I miss watching our shows, snuggled on the couch. I miss how obsessed with tools he was I miss how one of us would fall asleep and the other would tiptoe trying to walk quietly to not wake the other. I Miss his smell, his walk, watching him put on his watch, watching him write lefty, I miss seeing his handsome face. I miss his family. I know that I wasn't their favorite person, but I love them...I miss him.
The fact that we speak about 4 times a week, and text intermittently doesn't help (or hurt). We're legitimately friends, I'd go so far to say he's still one of my best friends.
WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?
My life would be so much easier if I didn't feel like there was some big gaping hole in it. It'd be so much easier if I didn't look back in hind-sight and see my marriage through rose colored glasses. Aren't ex husbands and wives supposed to HATE each other? It's bad enough that we don't hate each other...I genuinely still love him. And that I will always love him and want him in my life? Ah, Balls.
I remember how he'd make me feel judged. And trapped. And alone, even though he'd be 2 feet away from me. And how angry we'd get at one another....But I also remember how he made me laugh. How nice it felt to be in his arms, and how perfectly we fit together. But we just didn't fit anymore. We stopped fitting. Or wanting to fit.
It'd be nice to fit together perfectly again- I know it won't be with him...but with who I'm meant to fit perfectly with.
You know what my comforting thought is? That he's out there. The new Mr. Right. Mr. Right now will never do...Thats so terribly cliche' and I can't bother... The dude who's going to hold my hand when we walk down the street, smile sweetly at me over coffee. The guy who's going to leave his beard trimmings in my sink....the man whos scent will linger on my pillow. The man who's going to want to share, learn, teach and grow with me. He's out there. Maybe he's married right now. Maybe he's on a boat, or in class. Maybe he's sitting in a cafe, reading the paper wondering what his life will be like when he meets a green eyed girl with freckles and falls in love with her when he sees her walk in the room every time....
I miss him even though I haven't met him yet. Almost more than I miss my ex-husband.
(right click here and open in a new window to play song)
Being known. Understood. Part of a team. Having a permanent Friday night/Saturday night/Sunday Brunch date.
And I miss my ex-husband.
A lot.
This is what happens when you've spent 3 months away from the person whom you lived with for 7 years. And loved for longer (cheeeeeeseeeeeeesy!!!)
Really it might just be that I miss how he and I used to be. Obviously if we were all those things towards the end we'd still be together. I miss going for breakfast drives on Sunday<we'd grab coffee, get breakfast and drive a bit...chat, It was nice... I miss watching our shows, snuggled on the couch. I miss how obsessed with tools he was I miss how one of us would fall asleep and the other would tiptoe trying to walk quietly to not wake the other. I Miss his smell, his walk, watching him put on his watch, watching him write lefty, I miss seeing his handsome face. I miss his family. I know that I wasn't their favorite person, but I love them...I miss him.
The fact that we speak about 4 times a week, and text intermittently doesn't help (or hurt). We're legitimately friends, I'd go so far to say he's still one of my best friends.
WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?
My life would be so much easier if I didn't feel like there was some big gaping hole in it. It'd be so much easier if I didn't look back in hind-sight and see my marriage through rose colored glasses. Aren't ex husbands and wives supposed to HATE each other? It's bad enough that we don't hate each other...I genuinely still love him. And that I will always love him and want him in my life? Ah, Balls.
I remember how he'd make me feel judged. And trapped. And alone, even though he'd be 2 feet away from me. And how angry we'd get at one another....But I also remember how he made me laugh. How nice it felt to be in his arms, and how perfectly we fit together. But we just didn't fit anymore. We stopped fitting. Or wanting to fit.
It'd be nice to fit together perfectly again- I know it won't be with him...but with who I'm meant to fit perfectly with.
You know what my comforting thought is? That he's out there. The new Mr. Right. Mr. Right now will never do...Thats so terribly cliche' and I can't bother... The dude who's going to hold my hand when we walk down the street, smile sweetly at me over coffee. The guy who's going to leave his beard trimmings in my sink....the man whos scent will linger on my pillow. The man who's going to want to share, learn, teach and grow with me. He's out there. Maybe he's married right now. Maybe he's on a boat, or in class. Maybe he's sitting in a cafe, reading the paper wondering what his life will be like when he meets a green eyed girl with freckles and falls in love with her when he sees her walk in the room every time....
I miss him even though I haven't met him yet. Almost more than I miss my ex-husband.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
"Success is standing up just one more time than you’ve fallen down."
(right click <and open in another window> here for Music to listen to while you read this. It's one of my favorite songs!)
Lately life has been intense. In a mellow way. Mellowly intense.
Perhaps its my adjusting to being on my own still, or starting a new job, figuring out my budget...but it's all really stuff that has me (uncharacteristically) stressed out. There are moments where I feel like my whole life is spinning out of control....and my usual reaction to this is to freak out. Like cry all the time and pout. There have been tantrums. It's my first world reaction to my problems.
But recently my reaction has been a bit different. Thank goodness. Now I manage to take a minute, and breathe. I even recite my mantra a few times to keep myself in check and focused on problem solving not pity party planning. It's work being a grown up. But I think ultimately thats whats happening. And its actually not THAT bad either....It's just working to change my initial reaction to something that doesn't go my way.
I won't go into specifics, but money stuff has been really scary. You have to really pay attention to what you buy, when you're getting money. I'm not used to this. Plus the whole check book thing. Is it dreadful that I'm on the cusp of thirty and have problem doing that? Also- It's not that I was spoiled and got everything I want and live in the lap of luxury. It's just that it didn't affect me quite the same way. Having two incomes made things really different. I knew how much money I was bringing in, and how my my ex was bringing in- so I would spend carelessly and assume his paycheck would catch whatever it needed to. What a piss poor attitude.
So I've put on my big girl panties and do what I have to do.
Sometimes I'm going to fall down...but I'll won't stay down.
Sometimes I'm going to be alone. It's not fun...it's scary. But nothing worth doing is easy and always fun. I knew that choosing to be on my own was going to be difficult. Would it be easy to have stayed safely in the harbor of my marriage than head out into open waters? Hell yeah. It would have been miserable for both of us though...
I made choices that have lead to most of the challenges I'm faced with, so I have to deal with the consequences, and allow myself to learn from each one...Otherwise whats the point?
Lately life has been intense. In a mellow way. Mellowly intense.
Perhaps its my adjusting to being on my own still, or starting a new job, figuring out my budget...but it's all really stuff that has me (uncharacteristically) stressed out. There are moments where I feel like my whole life is spinning out of control....and my usual reaction to this is to freak out. Like cry all the time and pout. There have been tantrums. It's my first world reaction to my problems.
But recently my reaction has been a bit different. Thank goodness. Now I manage to take a minute, and breathe. I even recite my mantra a few times to keep myself in check and focused on problem solving not pity party planning. It's work being a grown up. But I think ultimately thats whats happening. And its actually not THAT bad either....It's just working to change my initial reaction to something that doesn't go my way.
I won't go into specifics, but money stuff has been really scary. You have to really pay attention to what you buy, when you're getting money. I'm not used to this. Plus the whole check book thing. Is it dreadful that I'm on the cusp of thirty and have problem doing that? Also- It's not that I was spoiled and got everything I want and live in the lap of luxury. It's just that it didn't affect me quite the same way. Having two incomes made things really different. I knew how much money I was bringing in, and how my my ex was bringing in- so I would spend carelessly and assume his paycheck would catch whatever it needed to. What a piss poor attitude.
So I've put on my big girl panties and do what I have to do.
Sometimes I'm going to fall down...but I'll won't stay down.
Sometimes I'm going to be alone. It's not fun...it's scary. But nothing worth doing is easy and always fun. I knew that choosing to be on my own was going to be difficult. Would it be easy to have stayed safely in the harbor of my marriage than head out into open waters? Hell yeah. It would have been miserable for both of us though...
I made choices that have lead to most of the challenges I'm faced with, so I have to deal with the consequences, and allow myself to learn from each one...Otherwise whats the point?
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
When I was a wife (also I just noticed I over use ellipses)
Play this song while you read....it's one of my many anthems. (plus it's good to read this blog to)
(right click, open in a new window, and play...it's musical goodness wrapped up in awesome)
When I was a wife, I'd like to think while I wasn't always the best at paying parking tickets, I was still good at being a wife.
(right click, open in a new window, and play...it's musical goodness wrapped up in awesome)
When I was a wife, I'd like to think while I wasn't always the best at paying parking tickets, I was still good at being a wife.
I'd cook, I'd clean(not to a certain someones white glove standards leading to having Claudia come and clean our home with her boyfriend, but the house was clean)...I never had a head ache. We watched baseball, Family Guy, dumb movies where everything explodes and people get shot and there are 80's boobs everywhere...he'd play video games and I'd rarely complain. I was a GOOD wife. Better than good. I was supportive, and funny. Hell, I lost 65 effin' pounds so I could be a hot wife. I wasn't too crazy- no more than anyone else is. Like there were day's I asked if I was fat/looked good in what I was wearing 20 times a day or didn't know where/what I wanted to eat...Maybe sometimes I was jealous...but not like crazy follow him to work jealous. More so in the way that once I noticed another woman checking him out I'd make sure that I was just affectionate enough to 'claim' what was mine (not so affectionate that it look like I had a roofie-colada though).
Do I miss that? Not really. We never fought about it, so that was that (though if the primitive territory affection dance happened when I had had a cocktail or 3 I'd probably loudly exclaim how obnoxious it is to stare at other womens husbands...so thats not always so cool).
When I was a wife I did (for the most part) trust other women around my husband; but that had nothing to do with trusting them. It was because I trusted my husband. In some ways I miss having somebody to trust. Somebody who I knew would always do right by me because not only was that the kind of person they were (because we all know I'd never run around with dirtbags right? lol), but also because they loved me. When I was a wife I knew I was loved.
Having to (as the name of this blog indicates) be married to myself is more work. I have to love myself MORE. I have to do right by myself MORE. Not that there is anything wrong with that...but sometimes it's exhausting. It's so much easier loving another person, and more fun. When you are stuck in your head all day, it's like a vacation to put love all over your partner and escape from yourself a little. Or maybe thats me.
Of course it's nice to be 'selfish'...but thats not who I innately am capable of being. It gets old.
So to shake it up, and make it easier to be good to myself...I'm just starting to think about all the exciting things I'm going to be doing in the next few months/year.
But then there is this voice that makes me think that there is other stuff I should be focusing on...The stuff that I should really be focusing on now is the important less fun, and less exciting things. Like a 401k. And investing. And saving. And retirement. Because as much as I'm an optimist- and I'm only 29 for eff's sake- I need to also really be balanced in my thoughts. Like should I go to Surf Camp in Costa Rica? Or should I take that money and invest? Holy crap is this where I start becoming an adult? Because it's scary and kind of out of character for me...or for who I thought I was.
Of course it's nice to be 'selfish'...but thats not who I innately am capable of being. It gets old.
So to shake it up, and make it easier to be good to myself...I'm just starting to think about all the exciting things I'm going to be doing in the next few months/year.
But then there is this voice that makes me think that there is other stuff I should be focusing on...The stuff that I should really be focusing on now is the important less fun, and less exciting things. Like a 401k. And investing. And saving. And retirement. Because as much as I'm an optimist- and I'm only 29 for eff's sake- I need to also really be balanced in my thoughts. Like should I go to Surf Camp in Costa Rica? Or should I take that money and invest? Holy crap is this where I start becoming an adult? Because it's scary and kind of out of character for me...or for who I thought I was.
When I wasn't married to myself, and I was a wife this would have been an easy choice- That money would have gone into savings...so my question is, do I live my life for me...or do I grow out of my 'easy choice', 'head in the clouds' place that would choose the Surfing and make wise financial decisions? Am I derailing security for fun and adventure in the moment?
This is something I'll have to think about. In the mean time I'm in a holding pattern. Almost 2 months into the whole living on my own thing and I almost have it. I've got some kinks to work out...but we're all works in progress...myself included.
So do I live for now, or think and choose wisely? This is where I wish I had a partner to bounce ideas off of. Samson isn't quite as helpful here as I'd like him to be.
Stay tuned- It should get much more interesting from here.
(Picture of Samson below being awesome)
Saturday, March 26, 2011
With a Little Help From My Freinds
...Right click, and open a new window HERE for music to read this post to...
My friends are quite possibly my greatest earthly gift.
I couldn't imagine my life without the love, kindness, and never ending support from them.
Right now especially.
How lucky am I that I need more than my 10 fingers to count off my real friends? Seriously, I can.
It's those people who have managed to see me, my flaws, my better qualities, and love me despite all of it. It's those people who have hugged me when I needed it without my asking. It's those people who have made me smile through my tears, and let me cry them. It's those people who have had epic hour + long phone calls with me while I sit in traffic on the Cross Bronx Expressway. It's those people who have helped me see the forest from the trees. It's those people who let me be myself and don't expect me to be any but. It's those people who call me out on my non-sense and don't let me get away with being less than the best version of me. It's those people who shave provided me with my own self chosen family. It's those people who have watched me climb up from rock bottom, fall again, helped me up and those who let me help them. It's those people whom I don't need to see or speak to every single day- but when we do it's like picking up right where we left off.
Thank you. Thank you for your love, support, kindness, honesty, and friendship. From my whole entire heart and soul. This post was spurned by a recent influx of old and new friends spending time with me, catching up after not seeing one another, and just my reflecting and thinking about how happy I am to be surrounded by so much love.
When you forget who you are, having friends who help you remember are a priceless commodity. And while processing the whole life-getting-shook-up-crazy-insane thing that I've been dealing with, my friends have all stepped up to the plate. There is not one person who hasn't been there for me when I needed it. When I had gotten myself confused, you helped me untangle my feelings. Or light the way when I couldn't shine for myself. You give me the confidence to move forward boldly and confidently that even if I fall I can still pick myself up and be ok. Better than ok.
Thank you for being a friend, for being there, and for your love, and for holding my hand during the scary parts. And you all know who you are.
My friends are quite possibly my greatest earthly gift.
I couldn't imagine my life without the love, kindness, and never ending support from them.
Right now especially.
How lucky am I that I need more than my 10 fingers to count off my real friends? Seriously, I can.
It's those people who have managed to see me, my flaws, my better qualities, and love me despite all of it. It's those people who have hugged me when I needed it without my asking. It's those people who have made me smile through my tears, and let me cry them. It's those people who have had epic hour + long phone calls with me while I sit in traffic on the Cross Bronx Expressway. It's those people who have helped me see the forest from the trees. It's those people who let me be myself and don't expect me to be any but. It's those people who call me out on my non-sense and don't let me get away with being less than the best version of me. It's those people who shave provided me with my own self chosen family. It's those people who have watched me climb up from rock bottom, fall again, helped me up and those who let me help them. It's those people whom I don't need to see or speak to every single day- but when we do it's like picking up right where we left off.
Thank you. Thank you for your love, support, kindness, honesty, and friendship. From my whole entire heart and soul. This post was spurned by a recent influx of old and new friends spending time with me, catching up after not seeing one another, and just my reflecting and thinking about how happy I am to be surrounded by so much love.
When you forget who you are, having friends who help you remember are a priceless commodity. And while processing the whole life-getting-shook-up-crazy-insane thing that I've been dealing with, my friends have all stepped up to the plate. There is not one person who hasn't been there for me when I needed it. When I had gotten myself confused, you helped me untangle my feelings. Or light the way when I couldn't shine for myself. You give me the confidence to move forward boldly and confidently that even if I fall I can still pick myself up and be ok. Better than ok.
Thank you for being a friend, for being there, and for your love, and for holding my hand during the scary parts. And you all know who you are.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Dating at 29. Holy Crap I'm living the Dream...
(click this link here, hit play for good music to read this blog to)
...Or the cliche'.
Why is it that life after marriage is so strange?
I'm (thankfully) young enough in the game where people will ask me if I ever plan on getting married. To which I smirk, and say that I already have been. Then a debate of how old I am ensues. SO much fun. Does every almost 30 year old woman NEED to want to get married? Is it imperative to being a normal person to need to be connected to a man or woman?
Maybe. But that depends on a LOT. And thats not what I'm going to talk about.
Right now I'm in a place where dating is bizarre. I'm not looking to settle down and find my soulmate. I don't even want a boyfriend right now. It's nice to have company, and somebody to share thoughts, ideas and experiences with though. The dates I've gone on have me practically running back into the arms of Harry.
It's just so tedious getting to know somebody brand new. I don't particularly care for other peoples BS, especially when I don't know them, or care why they are the way they are. It's that weirdness that has led me to lose interest in the last few guys I've dated. The inflection in their voices, the way they walk, or some other random thing that sent me into a tail spin of "ew, I know I'm not perfect but everything about this person bothers me and they don't know me I just want to go HOME/I just want them to go HOME!!".
That was enough of a sign for me to take myself off the market for a bit. Yes, meeting new people is fun. I'm a professional friend maker to some extent. I love hearing about peoples lives, and learning about them...but when it comes to romantical nonsense? Right now it needs to be about me. I need to focus all the energy I'd normally put into a significant other, or even dating, and make ME my priority. I've got a new job, new apartment, NEW LIFE. How unfair it would be to myself to rebuild all that with only partial effort? You cant focus on making yourself whole, and stronger when you're wondering if what you wore to dinner was too slutty or if it made you look like you were Amish. How could I become a driven successful person if I am busy focusing on if it's ok or not to invite them out to a friends house or if it's too soon for that? And it's not fair to the person I'm on a date with.
So yeah, I'm going to date. It's a time killer- a distraction. And I do actually want to get to know people. But I don't want to think about long term. I'm actually excited to have some bad dates so that I can share them with people. They're usually so bad that it's funny, or so awkward you want to cry (like One date I went on with a man who had a full blown erection kind of proud of it as he carried back my beer from the bar and maybe he didn't know it but it was JUST as awkward then as it was in the 8th grade- WHERE DO YOU PUT YOUR EYES!?!)
Gosh. I AM living the dream.
My goal isn't to find a boyfriend/husband...that will happen in time. I'm certain I'm not destined to wander the face of the planet alone and without a partner. I'm just meant to be by myself right now. And I'm a firm believer that you don't find the right people/jobs/situations/your keys when you look for them. It's when you live your life the best way you know how and in the best way that you know how that you are really able to 'find' the right people/jobs/situations/your keys.
...Or the cliche'.
Why is it that life after marriage is so strange?
I'm (thankfully) young enough in the game where people will ask me if I ever plan on getting married. To which I smirk, and say that I already have been. Then a debate of how old I am ensues. SO much fun. Does every almost 30 year old woman NEED to want to get married? Is it imperative to being a normal person to need to be connected to a man or woman?
Maybe. But that depends on a LOT. And thats not what I'm going to talk about.
Right now I'm in a place where dating is bizarre. I'm not looking to settle down and find my soulmate. I don't even want a boyfriend right now. It's nice to have company, and somebody to share thoughts, ideas and experiences with though. The dates I've gone on have me practically running back into the arms of Harry.
It's just so tedious getting to know somebody brand new. I don't particularly care for other peoples BS, especially when I don't know them, or care why they are the way they are. It's that weirdness that has led me to lose interest in the last few guys I've dated. The inflection in their voices, the way they walk, or some other random thing that sent me into a tail spin of "ew, I know I'm not perfect but everything about this person bothers me and they don't know me I just want to go HOME/I just want them to go HOME!!".
That was enough of a sign for me to take myself off the market for a bit. Yes, meeting new people is fun. I'm a professional friend maker to some extent. I love hearing about peoples lives, and learning about them...but when it comes to romantical nonsense? Right now it needs to be about me. I need to focus all the energy I'd normally put into a significant other, or even dating, and make ME my priority. I've got a new job, new apartment, NEW LIFE. How unfair it would be to myself to rebuild all that with only partial effort? You cant focus on making yourself whole, and stronger when you're wondering if what you wore to dinner was too slutty or if it made you look like you were Amish. How could I become a driven successful person if I am busy focusing on if it's ok or not to invite them out to a friends house or if it's too soon for that? And it's not fair to the person I'm on a date with.
So yeah, I'm going to date. It's a time killer- a distraction. And I do actually want to get to know people. But I don't want to think about long term. I'm actually excited to have some bad dates so that I can share them with people. They're usually so bad that it's funny, or so awkward you want to cry (like One date I went on with a man who had a full blown erection kind of proud of it as he carried back my beer from the bar and maybe he didn't know it but it was JUST as awkward then as it was in the 8th grade- WHERE DO YOU PUT YOUR EYES!?!)
Gosh. I AM living the dream.
My goal isn't to find a boyfriend/husband...that will happen in time. I'm certain I'm not destined to wander the face of the planet alone and without a partner. I'm just meant to be by myself right now. And I'm a firm believer that you don't find the right people/jobs/situations/your keys when you look for them. It's when you live your life the best way you know how and in the best way that you know how that you are really able to 'find' the right people/jobs/situations/your keys.
In love. Married. Out of Love. Divorced : Now what?
How is it that a 21 year old is capable of making a serious life choice? At 21 you are just figuring out who you are- Do you want to be one of those glassy eyed girls on 'Girls Gone Wild' publicly exhibiting your daddy issues? Do you want to go back to school to further avoid having to go into the real world? Or do you want to join the Peace Corps and live in a Third World country to forever dismiss the problems of people who opted to intern at a thankless large corporation or live off of their parents hard work.
At 21 I moved out of my parents house. While this was a wonderful- timely choice...some things weren't ideal.
My parents were moving to Connecticut from the home I grew up in. Of course they gave me the option to move with them, continue school and be "taken care of"- as I had been for 21+ years. My whole life I had never had a need or want that went unmet. Lucky me. Right? I don't think so. But it's my path, and part of my journey.
So I moved out. I procrastinated and waited until the last minute to find an apartment and a job...but I managed to do it.
Now right before my parents moved and all of this life changing stuff was going on- I met....Lets call him Harry. I won't be using his real name because those of you who know it know it, and those of you who don't know my ex-husbands name don't need to.
Harry and I met on February 18th. Four days after Valentines day. I was disillusioned from having gone on a slew of disappointing dates and having my heart "broken". As I was getting out of the car I grumbled something about calling my mom in an hour to pick me up because I was certain that this date would be over fast ..My mom replied ominously " you never know, he could be The One".
And he was.
Our first date was fantastic. He walked in 10 minutes late, with a gigantic bouquet of flowers- and a smile from ear to ear. Years later he told me it was in that instant that he knew he was meeting his future wife. Sweet right?
That first date led to a wonderful second and third date...which lead to an excellent relationship.
How does this have anything to do with my moving out of my parents house?
Here's how.
I moved from a place where I was never alone, and I was completely taken care of.
Moving out required me to work. A LOT. To make ends meet. And even then it was rough, I did a pretty good job. Except I had help. Harry would "lend" me money if I was short a few bucks. Or when I was lonely, he was there. Or if I needed help with anything he was there. We were always at one anothers house. And I don't think that I can recall a time before we were married where we spent more than a night or two apart.Which was so nice- I really liked that part of our time together. And he did too; so much in fact that he suggested that we move in together. It seemed like the only rational step .
So long story short....
I never was a grown up. I never REALLY took care of myself. So when I got married to a man who was practically born an adult, I couldn't do it. My contributions to the relationship, while meaningful and important in their own ways; were not enough to be a good partner. How could I meet the expectations of a person when I didn't know how to be what he had been asking of me? I was not an adult, so I could not reasonably be in adult relationship.
The conclusion was, after a miscarriage, and other moments where reality was harshly presented to us - we realized (on our 5 year wedding anniversary no less) that we were not a good couple anymore. Of course marriage is work. A LOT of work...for the people who are suitably paired up. We had grown apart. Our relationship together as man and wife had run it's course.
So now here I am- sitting in a Starbucks. Writing a blog about how my marriage, the family I thought I was going to build, with the man that at one point held my universe and happiness in his hands, and the life that I thought was going to be mine is a memory from last year. Like gladiator sandals and bias-cut tube dresses.
Moving forward I've got this whole amazingly exciting life going on.
My apartment is great. It's my space. I love it so much. Things are where I want them to be, how I want them to be. Oddly enough I've become a bit OCD with keeping things neat. Harry would be proud...
Life isn't what I once thought it was going to be. It's helped me a lot that my burgeoning interest in Buddhist philosophy introduced me to the idea and reality of impermanence. Nothing lasts forever (even cold 'November Rain'). So while nothing lasts forever, I'm learning to make the most of each moment, and be appreciative of what I have- because from the experiences I've had this past year, as well as watching the people in Japan, and all over the world recover from disheartening disasters...all we have is now.
At 21 I moved out of my parents house. While this was a wonderful- timely choice...some things weren't ideal.
My parents were moving to Connecticut from the home I grew up in. Of course they gave me the option to move with them, continue school and be "taken care of"- as I had been for 21+ years. My whole life I had never had a need or want that went unmet. Lucky me. Right? I don't think so. But it's my path, and part of my journey.
So I moved out. I procrastinated and waited until the last minute to find an apartment and a job...but I managed to do it.
Now right before my parents moved and all of this life changing stuff was going on- I met....Lets call him Harry. I won't be using his real name because those of you who know it know it, and those of you who don't know my ex-husbands name don't need to.
Harry and I met on February 18th. Four days after Valentines day. I was disillusioned from having gone on a slew of disappointing dates and having my heart "broken". As I was getting out of the car I grumbled something about calling my mom in an hour to pick me up because I was certain that this date would be over fast ..My mom replied ominously " you never know, he could be The One".
And he was.
Our first date was fantastic. He walked in 10 minutes late, with a gigantic bouquet of flowers- and a smile from ear to ear. Years later he told me it was in that instant that he knew he was meeting his future wife. Sweet right?
That first date led to a wonderful second and third date...which lead to an excellent relationship.
How does this have anything to do with my moving out of my parents house?
Here's how.
I moved from a place where I was never alone, and I was completely taken care of.
Moving out required me to work. A LOT. To make ends meet. And even then it was rough, I did a pretty good job. Except I had help. Harry would "lend" me money if I was short a few bucks. Or when I was lonely, he was there. Or if I needed help with anything he was there. We were always at one anothers house. And I don't think that I can recall a time before we were married where we spent more than a night or two apart.Which was so nice- I really liked that part of our time together. And he did too; so much in fact that he suggested that we move in together. It seemed like the only rational step .
So long story short....
I never was a grown up. I never REALLY took care of myself. So when I got married to a man who was practically born an adult, I couldn't do it. My contributions to the relationship, while meaningful and important in their own ways; were not enough to be a good partner. How could I meet the expectations of a person when I didn't know how to be what he had been asking of me? I was not an adult, so I could not reasonably be in adult relationship.
The conclusion was, after a miscarriage, and other moments where reality was harshly presented to us - we realized (on our 5 year wedding anniversary no less) that we were not a good couple anymore. Of course marriage is work. A LOT of work...for the people who are suitably paired up. We had grown apart. Our relationship together as man and wife had run it's course.
So now here I am- sitting in a Starbucks. Writing a blog about how my marriage, the family I thought I was going to build, with the man that at one point held my universe and happiness in his hands, and the life that I thought was going to be mine is a memory from last year. Like gladiator sandals and bias-cut tube dresses.
Moving forward I've got this whole amazingly exciting life going on.
My apartment is great. It's my space. I love it so much. Things are where I want them to be, how I want them to be. Oddly enough I've become a bit OCD with keeping things neat. Harry would be proud...
Life isn't what I once thought it was going to be. It's helped me a lot that my burgeoning interest in Buddhist philosophy introduced me to the idea and reality of impermanence. Nothing lasts forever (even cold 'November Rain'). So while nothing lasts forever, I'm learning to make the most of each moment, and be appreciative of what I have- because from the experiences I've had this past year, as well as watching the people in Japan, and all over the world recover from disheartening disasters...all we have is now.
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