I miss...

...Being loved.

(right click here and open in a new window to play song)

Being known. Understood. Part of a team. Having a permanent Friday night/Saturday night/Sunday Brunch date.

And I miss my ex-husband.

A lot.


This is what happens when you've spent 3 months away from the person whom you lived with for 7 years. And loved for longer (cheeeeeeseeeeeeesy!!!)

Really it might just be that I miss how he and I used to be. Obviously if we were all those things towards the end we'd still be together. I miss going for breakfast drives on Sunday<we'd grab coffee, get breakfast and drive a bit...chat, It was nice... I miss watching our shows, snuggled on the couch. I miss how obsessed with tools he was I miss how one of us would fall asleep and the other would tiptoe trying to walk quietly to not wake the other. I Miss his smell, his walk, watching him put on his watch, watching him write lefty, I miss seeing his handsome face. I miss his family. I know that I wasn't their favorite person, but I love them...I miss him.

The fact that we speak about 4 times a week, and text intermittently doesn't help (or hurt). We're legitimately friends, I'd go so far to say he's still one of my best friends.

WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?

My life would be so much easier if I didn't feel like there was some big gaping hole in it. It'd be so much easier if I didn't look back in hind-sight and see my marriage through rose colored glasses. Aren't ex husbands and wives supposed to HATE each other? It's bad enough that we don't hate each other...I genuinely still love him. And that I will always love him and want him in my life? Ah, Balls.

I remember how he'd make me feel judged. And trapped. And alone, even though he'd be 2 feet away from me. And how angry we'd get at one another....But I also remember how he made me laugh. How nice it felt to be in his arms, and how perfectly we fit together. But we just didn't fit anymore. We stopped fitting. Or wanting to fit.

It'd be nice to fit together perfectly again- I know it won't be with him...but with who I'm meant to fit perfectly with.


You know what my comforting thought is? That he's out there. The new Mr. Right. Mr. Right now will never do...Thats so terribly cliche' and I can't bother... The dude who's going to hold my hand when we walk down the street, smile sweetly at me over coffee. The guy who's going to leave his beard trimmings in my sink....the man whos scent will linger on my pillow. The man who's going to want to share, learn, teach and grow with me. He's out there. Maybe he's married right now. Maybe he's on a boat, or in class. Maybe he's sitting in a cafe, reading the paper wondering what his life will be like when he meets a green eyed girl with freckles and falls in love with her when he sees her walk in the room every time....

I miss him even though I haven't met him yet. Almost more than I miss my ex-husband.