Letting go.

“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”
 Havelock Ellis

There are oh so many things that I have let go of recently. A partner, friends, and most recently...habits.

This particular habit is considered the dumbest, most unhealthy of all. But how I loved it so. And it completely clashed with the very essence of who I am. But it was a comfort. It was like an old friend. We'd been well versed with one another for over 15 years...off and on we'd spend time together. Through good times and bad this habit carried me. Like a a habitual crutch.

Smoking.

Ah, how despicably romantic our relationship was.

It began in High School . It created an opener for conversation like nothing else..."Hey, do you have another cigarette/light?". Instant friends. Then it was a time killer (not to mention a health killer too...). When bored, sit and smoke.
And in college? What better way to bond with other people in the quad than sit with your morning coffee, a pack of camel lights and a story about the night before?

There was something so 1940's pin-up/Parisian/bohemian chic about the whole smoking thing. How I loved having a cocktail/beer with a smoke while sitting outside at a cafe. Or while in NYC, before the bans- in a bar...


Eventually my now ex-husband inspired me to mostly, 99% quit. He was VERY bothered by my smoking. However, he never nagged me to stop. Usually if a person nagged it just made me smoke more...But because I cared so much for him, and was making many lifestyle changes anyway quitting was simple. No more buying cigarettes. They were unhealthy (which I was trying to become more healthy...), and they smell. But the key to this was allowing myself to smoke socially. I took it down a notch. A lot of notches actually.
And at this point I was really into working out. So it was better this way.

Flash forward to July 27th of 2010.

My entire world crumbled around me. I had everything I thought that I wanted smashed fell apart.

What a perfect time to be happily reunited with my friend tobacco. Oh boy...and since then I just languished between smoking heavily to socially.

And then I decided that the person that I want to be is not a smoker.

So I quit. It's been a few weeks more or less, with minimal (one) wavering moment...but I've been
able to let go and move on from smoking. It's not easy, or fun because sometimes things seem better with it. Like coffee. Or a really deep conversation. But I know all good things must often come to an end. 

Good bye cigs. I sometimes miss you, but I'm glad you're gone. I'm ready to replace you with better things. MUCH better things.

Letting go is sometimes scary- but it's worth it to see what wonderful things come from it.

Motivated by... Fear?

Who wants to live in fear?

Certainly not I. What a completely miserable experience.

But don't most of us do things because we are afraid of what happens if we don't do them? Or on the converse side we don't do things because we're afraid of what will happen if we do?

Fear based living.

So many people seem to be afraid to embrace living based on joy, love and happiness.

There are some thing  I do and have done BECAUSE I am afraid to do them.

Getting divorced in particular. This was the scariest thing I ever have done. The what-if from both angles scared me more though. What if I stayed married to a man who didn't love me, but the idea of me? What if I stayed and had a mediocre life, what if nobody ever loves me again and I don't get married and have a family? What if, what if, what if.
Well what if my aunt had balls? She'd be my uncle.

For a while now I have decided when rational and feasible- I want to confront my fears.

Getting the big D was the first fear I faced. I decided that the 'what if' I was in an unhappy marriage for the rest of my life fear was the one I needed to confront. SO I did. And things are all as they should be. I have no doubt that I will be loved again, and eventually one day have a family. But then there is the 'what if' that I occasionally have to tune out. I'm in an amazing place in my life and the fear of change is something that thankfully isn't a concern for me.

Then there are the little fears that I can manage in a much less life altering way. A huge example is my fear of spiders. They freak me out. However my mom would tell me, and this is good advice, the spider is much more afraid of me than I am of it. And it's not the spiders fault I'm afraid of it. SO I don't kill them. I get a cup, and a magazine...and take them outside. What they do then is their business.This helps me be less scared of them as well. So there is still fear, but I face it and accept it as a part of who I am.

Fear is not something that I want to embrace, but use as a motivator to learn, grow, and be less scared. Once you face something head on, and experience it, it's less scary.

Would that make my life fear motivated? Either way, I'm motivated to do things that are scary, but worth it. Be it by taking a life changing risk, or just risking the spider moving and my not knowing where it is in my home.

An explaination. And a slightly redundant post towards the end. (Get over it.)

Quite often people make comments on how happy of a person I am.

But here's some fun information...It's because as I probably mentioned in a previous rambling online conversation with the internet...Happiness is a choice. Over the past few months/year, I've had a lot of stuff happen. Some not so good things.

A year ago I was pregnant. (With a baby- not emotion). It was one of the most wonderful moments of my life.  I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. But that was not meant to be right then- and I had no control over that.
Oddly enough, another wonderful moment was getting a divorce and knowing in the very core of my being that it was ok. Bigger and better things were ahead of me. To have that kind of peace of mind is priceless. And both of those seemingly negative things- were really opportunities for me to move onto where I am meant to be.

So yes- I'm happy.

Happy for a lot of things.

I'm happy because I saw fireflies tonight. And had a lovely day with a good friend. I'm happy because every day I wake up there are millions of miracles surrounding me that could easily be taken for granted. I'm happy because I have an awesome job. I have an amazing group of friends whom I love with my whole heart. I'm happy because it's the season where you can eat dinner outside and as the sun sets enjoy the crisp cool breeze. I'm happy because I have kidneys that work. I am happy because of all the beautiful things I get to experience. I'm happy because I've made it to almost 30 with no major sicknesses or injuries. I'm happy because people like it when I'm around them. I'm happy because I am not allergic to any foods.  I'm happy because I can draw and paint. I'm happy because I wake up every day. I'm happy because I can make people laugh. I'm happy because of the way my dog runs full speed into the wind with more joy than I can imagine. I'm happy because I can have ice cream for breakfast if I wanted. I'm happy because I grew out of my fat and awkward phase. I'm happy because I notice old people holding hands, and it makes me think about how great it'll be to be old and hold hands with the person I'm meant to be old with. I'm happy because I can cook like mofo, I'm happy because I am surrounded by GOOD people, and lots and lots of beauty.

When I do have a rare moment where I'm pissed off, or things aren't going my way- I remember all this and and get over it.


For those who can't handle my happy- that's really not my problem is it?

Whats the point of this? Basically all you can do is your best. You can't control other people, or situations. Just yourself. My prerogative is to make others happy- and in the process I become happier.

Happy Independence Day!

Whats my most important post-divorce revelation?

That  I am this wonderfully empowered, INDEPENDENT woman. WOO!

Right?

Kind of.

So there are some things about me, and many people...that we don't like to admit. In this case its that we need other people (as a species...for attention, affection etc).
Of course I can pay my own bills. And of course I can be alone. I go to eat alone, to the movies, to the bathroom (referring to my not needing to go in a group to the ladies room with other ladies to 'powder my nose'). I'm quite independent. More-so than ever before.

But then there are some shifts that happened in my life recently...
One of the biggest changes is that I got a roommate.

This is the first time I've ever had a legit roomie! It's definitely been a learning experience. We've fought, shared problems, shared joys, and lastly but helpfully- bills. It's nice knowing that somebody is home most of the time. And while it's technically my apartment on paper- in practice it's nice sharing a space with somebody who is so complementary to my life/lifestyle and equally as nice having it be OUR apartment. And it's a better space with both of our contributions. Plus she's pretty much my sister. I love her dearly and am happy that we are (I don't care how gay this sounds- and it definitely sounds gay) sharing our lives right now. Things will change one day but I'll be happy we had this time together.

Also- something I won't elaborate on because it's in the embryonic stages-but is a big step for me since I didn't expect myself to meet a man who makes me smile and laugh effortlessly despite being 100 miles away.
Yeah, so I, um-uh...I have a boyfriend (who may or not be reading this). No details b/c I'm not ready to share too much about that yet believe it or not...
But for the record, he's pretty fucking great. And being as I don't see him a lot (yes, it's medium distance- because he isn't too far away...Philadelphia) it allows me (and him)- the space to still have my own life and identity still. Though I'm just happy that I get to get to know him. He is probably the funniest person I know.
It did happen suddenly- And I partly feel like I was too aggressive. But he doesn't seem to mind, and lord knows I can't help but be myself...It's nice to know there's a fella who's a 'fan' of mine.

And here we are halfway to the end of this year. SO much has gone on. I'm getting to a really happy place- my demons have been addressed, my wounds have healed, and I've gained the kind of perspective on life that has garnered me new understanding of myself.
... And on the cusp of 30, I've decided that my 20's need to be sent off with style. I wanted to find an activity that truly captures the essence of and celebrates the end of a really intense decade.
I'm going to take a trapeze class. It's simple, fun, and is just symbolic enough to make me feel a sense of closure. I've invited people to join me, but I'm perfectly content doing this- like all the important things you do in life- Independently.