(right click <and open in another window> here for Music to listen to while you read this. It's one of my favorite songs!)
Lately life has been intense. In a mellow way. Mellowly intense.
Perhaps its my adjusting to being on my own still, or starting a new job, figuring out my budget...but it's all really stuff that has me (uncharacteristically) stressed out. There are moments where I feel like my whole life is spinning out of control....and my usual reaction to this is to freak out. Like cry all the time and pout. There have been tantrums. It's my first world reaction to my problems.
But recently my reaction has been a bit different. Thank goodness. Now I manage to take a minute, and breathe. I even recite my mantra a few times to keep myself in check and focused on problem solving not pity party planning. It's work being a grown up. But I think ultimately thats whats happening. And its actually not THAT bad either....It's just working to change my initial reaction to something that doesn't go my way.
I won't go into specifics, but money stuff has been really scary. You have to really pay attention to what you buy, when you're getting money. I'm not used to this. Plus the whole check book thing. Is it dreadful that I'm on the cusp of thirty and have problem doing that? Also- It's not that I was spoiled and got everything I want and live in the lap of luxury. It's just that it didn't affect me quite the same way. Having two incomes made things really different. I knew how much money I was bringing in, and how my my ex was bringing in- so I would spend carelessly and assume his paycheck would catch whatever it needed to. What a piss poor attitude.
So I've put on my big girl panties and do what I have to do.
Sometimes I'm going to fall down...but I'll won't stay down.
Sometimes I'm going to be alone. It's not fun...it's scary. But nothing worth doing is easy and always fun. I knew that choosing to be on my own was going to be difficult. Would it be easy to have stayed safely in the harbor of my marriage than head out into open waters? Hell yeah. It would have been miserable for both of us though...
I made choices that have lead to most of the challenges I'm faced with, so I have to deal with the consequences, and allow myself to learn from each one...Otherwise whats the point?
Awesome. I love it. I had no idea that you were recently divorced. I "married myself" 6 years ago before Fred. I went on a one year date with myself-no boys, no sex. I had to do the inner work to release the pattern so that I didn't attract the same relationship. This was 2004 (age 24). At 25 I met my husband. That year was an essential part of becoming myself-living by myself, and becoming relationship material. Then, Fred came along and I thought that sure enough we would be perfect after all of that work on myself. No, he was brought to me as a gift to have someone to do the work with. Now, I have a partner in the ups and downs and pains and suffering. More later...Thanks for helping me remember that time. Thanks for putting yourself out there. I feel the way you do still...I relate to this piece.
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