...A lot.
I realized that my last entry, written only a mere few hours ago paints a picture of me longing for a past that I willingly walked away from.
Seriously...I don't miss SO much about that man.
The fighting, the feeling misunderstood ALL THE TIME, having to make compromises on things that are important to me (and me asking him to do the same, which made me feel terrible also...). Never going anywhere or doing anything exciting. The feeling that we were always waiting for something to go wrong, and by we I mean him.
I think that the distance between us has allowed us to grow. He seems to be like a different guy. I know I'm a different girl, already 5 months divorced and on my own...I guess we're all different people every day. Maybe I just like who he's grown into a bit more. Or maybe I'm just still the same person who will always look for the good in others despite the glaringly terrible qualities that I really shouldn't so easily dismiss.
Friday, April 15, 2011
I miss...
...Being loved.
(right click here and open in a new window to play song)
Being known. Understood. Part of a team. Having a permanent Friday night/Saturday night/Sunday Brunch date.
And I miss my ex-husband.
A lot.
This is what happens when you've spent 3 months away from the person whom you lived with for 7 years. And loved for longer (cheeeeeeseeeeeeesy!!!)
Really it might just be that I miss how he and I used to be. Obviously if we were all those things towards the end we'd still be together. I miss going for breakfast drives on Sunday<we'd grab coffee, get breakfast and drive a bit...chat, It was nice... I miss watching our shows, snuggled on the couch. I miss how obsessed with tools he was I miss how one of us would fall asleep and the other would tiptoe trying to walk quietly to not wake the other. I Miss his smell, his walk, watching him put on his watch, watching him write lefty, I miss seeing his handsome face. I miss his family. I know that I wasn't their favorite person, but I love them...I miss him.
The fact that we speak about 4 times a week, and text intermittently doesn't help (or hurt). We're legitimately friends, I'd go so far to say he's still one of my best friends.
WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?
My life would be so much easier if I didn't feel like there was some big gaping hole in it. It'd be so much easier if I didn't look back in hind-sight and see my marriage through rose colored glasses. Aren't ex husbands and wives supposed to HATE each other? It's bad enough that we don't hate each other...I genuinely still love him. And that I will always love him and want him in my life? Ah, Balls.
I remember how he'd make me feel judged. And trapped. And alone, even though he'd be 2 feet away from me. And how angry we'd get at one another....But I also remember how he made me laugh. How nice it felt to be in his arms, and how perfectly we fit together. But we just didn't fit anymore. We stopped fitting. Or wanting to fit.
It'd be nice to fit together perfectly again- I know it won't be with him...but with who I'm meant to fit perfectly with.
You know what my comforting thought is? That he's out there. The new Mr. Right. Mr. Right now will never do...Thats so terribly cliche' and I can't bother... The dude who's going to hold my hand when we walk down the street, smile sweetly at me over coffee. The guy who's going to leave his beard trimmings in my sink....the man whos scent will linger on my pillow. The man who's going to want to share, learn, teach and grow with me. He's out there. Maybe he's married right now. Maybe he's on a boat, or in class. Maybe he's sitting in a cafe, reading the paper wondering what his life will be like when he meets a green eyed girl with freckles and falls in love with her when he sees her walk in the room every time....
I miss him even though I haven't met him yet. Almost more than I miss my ex-husband.
(right click here and open in a new window to play song)
Being known. Understood. Part of a team. Having a permanent Friday night/Saturday night/Sunday Brunch date.
And I miss my ex-husband.
A lot.
This is what happens when you've spent 3 months away from the person whom you lived with for 7 years. And loved for longer (cheeeeeeseeeeeeesy!!!)
Really it might just be that I miss how he and I used to be. Obviously if we were all those things towards the end we'd still be together. I miss going for breakfast drives on Sunday<we'd grab coffee, get breakfast and drive a bit...chat, It was nice... I miss watching our shows, snuggled on the couch. I miss how obsessed with tools he was I miss how one of us would fall asleep and the other would tiptoe trying to walk quietly to not wake the other. I Miss his smell, his walk, watching him put on his watch, watching him write lefty, I miss seeing his handsome face. I miss his family. I know that I wasn't their favorite person, but I love them...I miss him.
The fact that we speak about 4 times a week, and text intermittently doesn't help (or hurt). We're legitimately friends, I'd go so far to say he's still one of my best friends.
WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?
My life would be so much easier if I didn't feel like there was some big gaping hole in it. It'd be so much easier if I didn't look back in hind-sight and see my marriage through rose colored glasses. Aren't ex husbands and wives supposed to HATE each other? It's bad enough that we don't hate each other...I genuinely still love him. And that I will always love him and want him in my life? Ah, Balls.
I remember how he'd make me feel judged. And trapped. And alone, even though he'd be 2 feet away from me. And how angry we'd get at one another....But I also remember how he made me laugh. How nice it felt to be in his arms, and how perfectly we fit together. But we just didn't fit anymore. We stopped fitting. Or wanting to fit.
It'd be nice to fit together perfectly again- I know it won't be with him...but with who I'm meant to fit perfectly with.
You know what my comforting thought is? That he's out there. The new Mr. Right. Mr. Right now will never do...Thats so terribly cliche' and I can't bother... The dude who's going to hold my hand when we walk down the street, smile sweetly at me over coffee. The guy who's going to leave his beard trimmings in my sink....the man whos scent will linger on my pillow. The man who's going to want to share, learn, teach and grow with me. He's out there. Maybe he's married right now. Maybe he's on a boat, or in class. Maybe he's sitting in a cafe, reading the paper wondering what his life will be like when he meets a green eyed girl with freckles and falls in love with her when he sees her walk in the room every time....
I miss him even though I haven't met him yet. Almost more than I miss my ex-husband.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
"Success is standing up just one more time than you’ve fallen down."
(right click <and open in another window> here for Music to listen to while you read this. It's one of my favorite songs!)
Lately life has been intense. In a mellow way. Mellowly intense.
Perhaps its my adjusting to being on my own still, or starting a new job, figuring out my budget...but it's all really stuff that has me (uncharacteristically) stressed out. There are moments where I feel like my whole life is spinning out of control....and my usual reaction to this is to freak out. Like cry all the time and pout. There have been tantrums. It's my first world reaction to my problems.
But recently my reaction has been a bit different. Thank goodness. Now I manage to take a minute, and breathe. I even recite my mantra a few times to keep myself in check and focused on problem solving not pity party planning. It's work being a grown up. But I think ultimately thats whats happening. And its actually not THAT bad either....It's just working to change my initial reaction to something that doesn't go my way.
I won't go into specifics, but money stuff has been really scary. You have to really pay attention to what you buy, when you're getting money. I'm not used to this. Plus the whole check book thing. Is it dreadful that I'm on the cusp of thirty and have problem doing that? Also- It's not that I was spoiled and got everything I want and live in the lap of luxury. It's just that it didn't affect me quite the same way. Having two incomes made things really different. I knew how much money I was bringing in, and how my my ex was bringing in- so I would spend carelessly and assume his paycheck would catch whatever it needed to. What a piss poor attitude.
So I've put on my big girl panties and do what I have to do.
Sometimes I'm going to fall down...but I'll won't stay down.
Sometimes I'm going to be alone. It's not fun...it's scary. But nothing worth doing is easy and always fun. I knew that choosing to be on my own was going to be difficult. Would it be easy to have stayed safely in the harbor of my marriage than head out into open waters? Hell yeah. It would have been miserable for both of us though...
I made choices that have lead to most of the challenges I'm faced with, so I have to deal with the consequences, and allow myself to learn from each one...Otherwise whats the point?
Lately life has been intense. In a mellow way. Mellowly intense.
Perhaps its my adjusting to being on my own still, or starting a new job, figuring out my budget...but it's all really stuff that has me (uncharacteristically) stressed out. There are moments where I feel like my whole life is spinning out of control....and my usual reaction to this is to freak out. Like cry all the time and pout. There have been tantrums. It's my first world reaction to my problems.
But recently my reaction has been a bit different. Thank goodness. Now I manage to take a minute, and breathe. I even recite my mantra a few times to keep myself in check and focused on problem solving not pity party planning. It's work being a grown up. But I think ultimately thats whats happening. And its actually not THAT bad either....It's just working to change my initial reaction to something that doesn't go my way.
I won't go into specifics, but money stuff has been really scary. You have to really pay attention to what you buy, when you're getting money. I'm not used to this. Plus the whole check book thing. Is it dreadful that I'm on the cusp of thirty and have problem doing that? Also- It's not that I was spoiled and got everything I want and live in the lap of luxury. It's just that it didn't affect me quite the same way. Having two incomes made things really different. I knew how much money I was bringing in, and how my my ex was bringing in- so I would spend carelessly and assume his paycheck would catch whatever it needed to. What a piss poor attitude.
So I've put on my big girl panties and do what I have to do.
Sometimes I'm going to fall down...but I'll won't stay down.
Sometimes I'm going to be alone. It's not fun...it's scary. But nothing worth doing is easy and always fun. I knew that choosing to be on my own was going to be difficult. Would it be easy to have stayed safely in the harbor of my marriage than head out into open waters? Hell yeah. It would have been miserable for both of us though...
I made choices that have lead to most of the challenges I'm faced with, so I have to deal with the consequences, and allow myself to learn from each one...Otherwise whats the point?
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