My Lobster...

Today while talking to a friend on the way to an appointment- while in traffic on the Long Island Expressway, I recalled one of my many epiphanies. Would that be considered a re-piphany?

The relationship you have with yourself dictates the relationship others will have with you.

For example, lets say you don't like yourself very much. Most people don't willingly acknowledge this, let alone share this with others conscientiously- but this determines how you allow others to treat you. If you minimize your accomplishments- so will everyone else. If you don't know your worth- neither will anyone else. If you disrespect yourself, so will everyone else. Knowing your value as a human being and loving yourself (not masturbating, LOVING the person you are as a whole despite the inevitable flaws...) allows others to see your worth and love you for who you are.


But I digress...

So I realized that because I know my worth and I value myself as a whole...I need to stop worrying about the men who traipse in and don't meet my expectations. Lately it's been preeeettttty disappointing. None of these guys are bad people...in fact, I'm happy that I met each one of them. Everyone you meet has some kind of impact on your life. These guys just remind me of how great the right guy is going to be.

But, that being said- I want to say that my hiatus is back ON until further notice. The hiatus means, my relationship with myself is going to be front and center until a worthy candidate enters the picture.
Sigh...sometimes I wonder how I'll ever find my lobster (well, the Ross to my Rachael),the Jim to my Pam,the Marshall to my Lily.

(Don't judge me. TV couples aren't realistic but seriously- those are enviable dynamics no?)

But the great things is, one day I know I will.

Happiness is...

According to the Beatles, it's a warm gun. According to Charles Shultz, it's a warm puppy.

To me happiness is something a bit more existential. Happiness is internal.

There are days when I am sublimely happy and absolutely nothing is going right. I had a week once where I had fallen behind on work, I was fighting non-stop with my exhub, I was lazy and not being active- But I had this bizarre sense of peace and happiness that came from within.
In contrast, I've had weeks that were stellar by most peoples standards, I was killin' it at work, and down 5lbs...but something felt off.

Isn't it amazing how you can really only find happiness when you are at peace with yourself?

Just a point to ponder.

Oh, I almost forgot...

Picture it. Valentines Day. 2011.

I hadn't been without a Valentine in almost a decade.

The day went by just fine. I didn't make a big deal about it. In general I don't. It's fun, but not the Superbowl for hopeless romantics.

But then around 6pm some flowers were delivered. I was so excited, and so pleasantly surprised that somebody thought of me.


I opened the box, and looked at the card. It read something like this:

" Dear Judy, Blah blah blah....Love love blah."

Um, my name isn't Judy.

Crap- I opened somebody elses flowers.

How terrible. Not just for me, but for the recipient.

It's so random that I thought to share that- But there you go.

Stop it! You're doing it wrong!

It's come to my attention that I suck at dating.

Not in the sense where I tell a guy I'm on a date with that he smells like a fishmonger in August, or I show up at the wrong place and don't call them, or even worse- can't get a date to begin with. Thats actually not difficult at all (though some of my friends might question the guys I go out with).

For the most part and from my understanding I'm actually a lovely date. I dress according to the location and time of the date (because if you're having a picnic at the park, no matter how chic you think you are- heels and a skirt are not conducive to walking through grass and eating on the floor). For the most part I am charming, and witty. And I almost always have fun! So how do I suck at dating then?

I suck at dating because of the game thats involved.

How would a guy know if you like him on a date? Well I usually tell them. (D'oh!)

MISTAKE NUMBER ONE! Apparently most guys don't like it if they know you like them.

It's all part of the chase.

Also, post date- I'll call. Or text. Or want to talk to the guy (if I like him). I'm not stalking b/c I am too busy to think about you all the time, or create a shrine, or write poetry about your curly hair...etc.  I just like to share ideas and thoughts with a person  (if I like him) so they can get to know me better, and I them.

MISTAKE NUMBER TWO!! Apparently most guys don't want you to like them, share with them or contact them.

It's all part of the chase.

Why are men obsessed with the chase? What is it about the Y chromosome that makes men these avid hunters? Even the ones opposed to guns and weaponry?

I want to not being doing it wrong anymore though. Dates are a lot of fun- even the baddish ones. But do I play the game back? Do I need to step down as an 'Alpha' and let myself be chased? How could a girl like me(short, curvy and the face of Betty Boop) have such a masculine energy when it comes to dating?  Why the effin'eff am I so aggressive? I know men don't always like this, but I can't help it. If I see something I want, it's very difficult for me to sit still and be passive. My hearts on my sleeve to a fault I suppose.

For the most part I don't think that I'm doing anything wrong WRONG...But is it such a risk being yourself all the time?  I believe it's my only option. I guess I'm stuck at an impasse because I refuse to succumb to the nonsense. I refuse to be anything but myself.


Well, maybe I won't call or text as much in the future...but thats more as an act of temperance- but I'm not playing. I'm over games. OVER IT.

Even if that means I'm dating wrong. There's bound be a fella out there that doesn't mind a girl whose heart is on her sleeve right?