When I was a wife (also I just noticed I over use ellipses)

 Play this song while you read....it's one of my many anthems. (plus it's good to read this blog to)
 (right click, open in a new window, and play...it's musical goodness wrapped up in awesome)


When I was a wife, I'd like to think while I wasn't always the best at paying parking tickets, I was still good at being a wife. 

I'd cook, I'd clean(not to a certain someones white glove standards leading to having Claudia come and clean our home with her boyfriend, but the house was clean)...I never had a head ache. We watched baseball, Family Guy, dumb movies where everything explodes and people get shot and there are 80's boobs everywhere...he'd play video games and I'd rarely complain. I was a GOOD wife. Better than good. I was supportive, and funny. Hell, I lost 65 effin' pounds so I could be a hot wife. I wasn't too crazy- no more than anyone else is. Like there were day's I asked if I was fat/looked good in what I was wearing 20 times a day or didn't know where/what I wanted to eat...Maybe sometimes I was jealous...but not like crazy follow him to work jealous. More so in the way that once I noticed another woman checking him out I'd make sure that I was just affectionate enough to 'claim' what was mine (not so affectionate that it look like I had a roofie-colada though). 

Do I miss that? Not really. We never fought about it, so that was that (though if the primitive territory affection dance happened when I had had a cocktail or 3 I'd probably loudly exclaim how obnoxious it is to stare at other womens husbands...so thats not always so cool).

When I was a wife I did (for the most part) trust other women around my husband; but that had nothing to do with trusting them. It was because I trusted my husband. In some ways I miss having somebody to trust. Somebody who I knew would always do right by me because not only was that the kind of person they were (because we all know I'd never run around with dirtbags right? lol), but also because they loved me. When I was a wife I knew I was loved.

Having to (as the name of this blog indicates) be married to myself is more work. I have to love myself MORE. I have to do right by myself MORE. Not that there is anything wrong with that...but sometimes it's exhausting. It's so much easier loving another person, and more fun. When you are stuck in your head all day, it's like a vacation to put love all over your partner and escape from yourself a little. Or maybe thats me. 
Of course it's nice to be 'selfish'...but thats not who I innately am capable of being. It gets old.

So to shake it up, and make it easier to be good to myself...I'm just starting to think about all the exciting things I'm going to be doing in the next few months/year. 


But then there is this voice that makes me think that there is other stuff I should be focusing on...The stuff that I should really be focusing on now is the important less fun, and less exciting things. Like a 401k. And investing. And saving. And retirement. Because as much as I'm an optimist- and I'm only 29 for eff's sake- I need to also really be balanced in my thoughts. Like should I go to Surf Camp in Costa Rica? Or should I take that money and invest? Holy crap is this where I start becoming an adult? Because it's scary and kind of out of character for me...or for who I thought I was.

When I wasn't married to myself, and I was a wife this would have been an easy choice- That money would have gone into savings...so my question is, do I live my life for me...or do I grow out of my 'easy choice', 'head in the clouds' place that would choose the Surfing and make wise financial decisions? Am I derailing security for fun and adventure in the moment? 

This is something I'll have to think about. In the mean time I'm in a holding pattern. Almost 2 months into the whole living on my own thing and I almost have it. I've got some kinks to work out...but we're all works in progress...myself included. 

So do I live for now, or think and choose wisely? This is where I wish I had a partner to bounce ideas off of. Samson isn't quite as helpful here as I'd like him to be.

Stay tuned- It should get much more interesting from here. 

(Picture of Samson below being awesome)

With a Little Help From My Freinds

...Right click, and open a new window HERE  for music to read this post to...

My friends are quite possibly my greatest earthly gift.

I couldn't imagine my life without the love, kindness, and never ending support from them.

Right now especially.

How lucky am I that I need more than my 10 fingers to count off my real friends? Seriously, I can.

It's those people who have managed to see me, my flaws, my better qualities, and love me despite all of it. It's those people who have hugged me when I needed it without my asking. It's those people who have made me smile through my tears, and let me cry them. It's those people who have had epic hour + long phone calls with me while I sit in traffic on the Cross Bronx Expressway. It's those people who have helped me see the forest from the trees. It's those people who let me be myself and don't expect me to be any but. It's those people who call me out on my non-sense and don't let me get away with being less than the best version of me. It's those people who shave provided me with my own self chosen family. It's those people who have watched me climb up from rock bottom, fall again, helped me up and those who let me help them. It's those people whom I don't need to see or speak to every single day- but when we do it's like picking up right where we left off.

Thank you. Thank you for your love, support, kindness, honesty, and friendship. From my whole entire heart and soul. This post was spurned by a recent influx of old and new friends spending time with me, catching up after not seeing one another, and just my reflecting and thinking about how happy I am to be surrounded by so much love.


When you forget who you are, having friends who help you remember are a priceless commodity. And while processing the whole life-getting-shook-up-crazy-insane thing that I've been dealing with, my friends have all stepped up to the plate. There is not one person who hasn't been there for me when I needed it. When I had gotten myself confused, you helped me untangle my feelings. Or light the way when I couldn't shine for myself. You give me the confidence to move forward boldly and confidently that even if I fall I can still pick myself up and be ok. Better than ok. 

Thank you for being a friend, for being there, and for your love, and for holding my hand during the scary parts. And you all know who you are.

Dating at 29. Holy Crap I'm living the Dream...

(click this link here, hit play for good music to read this blog to)

...Or the cliche'.
Why is it that life after marriage is so strange?
I'm (thankfully) young enough in the game where people will ask me if I ever plan on getting married. To which I smirk, and say that I already have been. Then a debate of how old I am ensues. SO much fun. Does every almost 30 year old woman NEED to want to get married? Is it imperative to being a normal person to need to be connected to a man or woman?

Maybe. But that depends on a LOT. And thats not what I'm going to talk about.

Right now I'm in a place where dating is bizarre. I'm not looking to settle down and find my soulmate. I don't even want a boyfriend right now. It's nice to have company, and somebody to share thoughts, ideas and experiences with though. The dates I've gone on have me practically running back into the arms of Harry.

It's just so tedious getting to know somebody brand new. I don't particularly care for other peoples BS, especially when I don't know them, or care why they are the way they are. It's that weirdness that has led me to lose interest in the last few guys I've dated. The inflection in their voices, the way they walk, or some other random thing that sent me into a tail spin of "ew, I know I'm not perfect but everything about this person bothers me and they don't know me I just want to go HOME/I just want them to go HOME!!".

That was enough of a sign for me to take myself off the market for a bit. Yes, meeting new people is fun. I'm a professional friend maker to some extent. I love hearing about peoples lives, and learning about them...but when it comes to romantical nonsense? Right now it needs to be about me. I need to focus all the energy I'd normally put into a significant other, or even dating, and make ME my priority. I've got a new job, new apartment, NEW LIFE. How unfair it would be to myself to rebuild all that with only partial effort? You cant focus on making yourself whole, and stronger when you're wondering if what you wore to dinner was too slutty or if it made you look like you were Amish. How could I become a driven successful person if I am busy focusing on if it's ok or not to invite them out to a friends house or if it's too soon for that? And it's not fair to the person I'm on a date with.

So yeah, I'm going to date. It's a time killer- a distraction. And I do actually want to get to know people. But I don't want to think about long term. I'm actually excited to have some bad dates so that I can share them with people. They're usually so bad that it's funny, or so awkward you want to cry (like One date I went on with a man who had a full blown erection kind of proud of it as he carried back my beer from the bar and maybe he didn't know it but it was JUST as awkward  then as it was in the 8th grade- WHERE DO YOU PUT YOUR EYES!?!)

Gosh. I AM living the dream.

My goal isn't to find a boyfriend/husband...that will happen in time. I'm certain I'm not destined to wander the face of the planet alone and without a partner. I'm just meant to be by myself right now. And I'm a firm believer that you don't find the right people/jobs/situations/your keys when you look for them. It's when you live your life the best way you know how and in the best way that you know how that you are really able to 'find' the right people/jobs/situations/your keys.

In love. Married. Out of Love. Divorced : Now what?

How is it that a 21 year old is capable of making a serious life choice? At 21 you are just figuring out who you are- Do you want to be one of those glassy eyed girls on 'Girls Gone Wild' publicly exhibiting your daddy issues? Do you want to go back to school to further avoid having to go into the real world? Or do you want to join the Peace Corps and live in a Third World country to forever dismiss the problems of people who opted to intern at a thankless large corporation or live off of their parents hard work.

At 21 I moved out of my parents house. While this was a wonderful- timely choice...some things weren't ideal.

My parents were moving to Connecticut from the home I grew up in. Of course they gave me the option to move with them, continue school and be "taken care of"- as I had been for 21+ years. My whole life I had never had a need or want that went unmet. Lucky me. Right? I don't think so. But it's my path, and part of my journey.
So I moved out. I procrastinated and waited until the last minute to find an apartment and a job...but I managed to do it.

Now right before my parents moved and all of this life changing stuff was going on- I met....Lets call him Harry. I won't be using his real name because those of you who know it know it, and those of you who don't know my ex-husbands name don't need to.

Harry and I met on February 18th. Four days after Valentines day. I was disillusioned from having gone on a slew of disappointing dates and having my heart "broken". As I was getting out of the car I grumbled something about calling my mom in an hour  to pick me up because I was certain that this date would be over fast ..My mom replied ominously " you never know, he could be The One".

And he was.

Our first date was fantastic. He walked in 10 minutes late, with a gigantic bouquet of flowers- and a smile from ear to ear. Years later he told me it was in that instant that he knew he was meeting his future wife. Sweet right?

That first date led to a wonderful second and third date...which lead to an excellent relationship.

How does this have anything to do with my moving out of my parents house?

Here's how.

I moved from a place where I was never alone, and I was completely taken care of.
Moving out required me to work. A LOT. To make ends meet. And even then it was rough, I did a pretty good job. Except I had help. Harry would "lend" me money if I was short a few bucks. Or when I was lonely, he was there. Or if I needed help with anything he was there. We were always at one anothers house. And I don't think that I can recall a time before we were married where we spent more than a night or two apart.Which was so nice- I really liked that part of our time together. And he did too; so much in fact that he suggested that we move in together. It seemed like the only rational step .

So long story short....

I never was a grown up. I never REALLY took care of myself. So when I got married to a man who was practically born an adult, I couldn't do it. My contributions to the relationship, while meaningful and important in their own ways; were not enough to be a good partner. How could I meet the expectations of a person when I didn't know how to be what he had been asking of me? I was not an adult, so I could not reasonably be in adult relationship.

The conclusion was, after a miscarriage, and other moments where reality was harshly presented to us - we realized (on our 5 year wedding anniversary no less) that we were not a good couple anymore. Of course marriage is work. A LOT of work...for the people who are suitably paired up. We had grown apart. Our relationship together as man and wife had run it's course.

So now here I am- sitting in a Starbucks. Writing a blog about how my marriage, the family I thought I was going to build, with the man that at one point held my universe and happiness in his hands, and the life that I thought was going to be mine is a memory from last year. Like gladiator sandals and bias-cut tube dresses.

Moving forward I've got this whole amazingly exciting life going on.

My apartment is great. It's my space. I love it so much. Things are where I want them to be, how I want them to be. Oddly enough I've become a bit OCD with keeping things neat. Harry would be proud...

Life isn't what I once thought it was going to be. It's helped me a lot that my burgeoning interest in Buddhist philosophy introduced me to the idea and reality of impermanence. Nothing lasts forever (even cold 'November Rain'). So while nothing lasts forever, I'm learning to make the most of each moment, and be appreciative of what I have- because from the experiences I've had this past year, as well as watching the people in Japan, and all over the world recover from disheartening disasters...all we have is now.